Friday, April 1, 2011

She's everything that i'm not

When I start putting myself down, (as I tend to do when I am faced with a point I am not willing/pushing myself to walk), I end up going to comparison within inferiority, thus proving to myself I am not capable of doing that which I set myself out to do.
Basically the biggest point I am facing these days is a point of self will / self discipline, I am not pushing myself effectively nor  within consistency, I am spending more time stressing over what I need to get done rather than actually sitting down to do it.
I have been spending more energy on the thoughts and worries and self judgment for not being good enough than actually putting an effort in doing the assignment I set out to do.
I just noticed the train of thoughts. I was complaining in my mind how hard it is to do all that I need to do, and how far behind I am with my assignments, and so on… then a though about my friend came up, she is very affective (from my perspective) and I see her as a representation of that which I want to be. Now, within this process of equalizing myself to all as one and equal, I know I am able to equalize myself to her, as a pointer to where I am going, like a direction to push myself towards. But in actuality I am not equalizing myself to her, I am comparing and judging… The next thought that came across my mind was that she was affective and dedicated when I met her, before we started walking this process, so within the comparison in my mind I gave her a head start, by doing so I am allowing myself a back door, an excuse to not equalize myself to her. I see it as a self manipulation, trying to avoid the feeling of inferiority by rationalizing why it is easy for her to do what I am trying to do and am falling time after time.
I wanted to write that I see our starting point as different, meaning that we come from a different background / starting position, but as I was typing those words I couldn’t help but notice what I was actually writing…
It’s all about the starting point.
I cannot know what her starting point is, and it really isn’t the point, the point is what my starting point is. And whatever it is, it isn’t clear, isn’t self honest and isn’t aligned with the principle of equality and what is best for all. As long as my starting point is not aligned with equality, I will continue to accumulate abuse/polarity/inferiority, as a natural outflow of the starting point. Thus I must change my starting point, start over a new breath with a new starting point.
I see now how I have been looking for excuses and justifications to stay as I am, to hold onto the persona as I know myself to be, to not will myself to change.
I see myself spiting her, for having it easy, for being dedicated to begin with and not having to push through this point, but that is such bullshit - we are all walking our individual process and any comparison is just a mindful tactic to keep me trapped. I have created an entity within myself, an entity that is defined by laziness and disorganization, and I must stop myself from allowing myself to be directed by this entity… I mustn’t allow myself to believe this entity is me or defines me in any way, I must push through and keep pushing until no more pushing is needed, until I am equal to my words when I say “I am one vote for equality”, when I say “stop the mind”.
I have been doing a lot of talking and planning and anything but pushing myself to move and change in the physical. Not from a perspective of adding more judgment onto the picture, just from realizing that this process isn’t about talking about it and convincing people that equality is the way to go, and equal money will solve everything, it’s about being a living example, it’s about being the change and not speaking of the change, it’s about doing and not trying.
So here I am supporting myself through writing, seeing the manipulation I allow myself to do onto myself, seeing the spiteful mind I am allowing to direct me, I see it all now - so that I can stop. I am giving myself a pep talk, reminding me that I am not the mind. I am not the mind but I’m one with it as long as I allow myself to participate with it, as long as I allow myself to be directed by it, by the fears and judgments and self beliefs and comparison and spitefulness…
as long as I am participating with the mind as separation, how can I speak of oneness and equality, how can I preach to others… it all starts with self, focus on self
I have been bouncing from two sides of the polarity: feeling good about “showing people the light” by talking to them about equality and “supporting” them, but doing it from a starting point of self righteousness.  and on the other hand, looking at my application, I have been feeling inferior to everyone that I come across within the group of desteni.
So I am playing an energetic game going from high to low, from superior to inferior, from patting myself in my shoulder to kicking myself on the ass…
This must stop
Re aligning my starting point. equalizing myself to it, equalizing myself to myself.

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