Thursday, March 24, 2011

"but I can't do it !!!"


I am stressing over everything,

I must remind myself to breathe, return here, feel my hands, and return to the physical.
I am swamps with so much to do, and it is all here all the time, so I cannot start and finish one thing without neglecting something else that ‘needs’ to be done as well.

I am in charge of a project and I have people ‘under me’ that are doing the work, I am managing them, but I am finding out that “I am not a manager”, and do not feel comfortable with managing others, for a moment I tried to convince myself that I don’t believe in it because we are all equal, and no one should lead another… but that is just an excuse as self manipulation to not see that in fact I am being directed by fear, fear of leading, fear of falling, fear of standing, fear of directing myself and others.


So now that I see that I am giving myself excuses just so I stay limited as the self definition of myself as one that cannot lead and cannot be responsible… I have to walk through it and actually take charge and stop complaining that I don’t know how, because I am creating failure for this project and for myself by not pushing and moving it, I am accepting my self limitation by not pushing through, by believing I cannot, by accepting the fear.

It’s amazing how easy it is to give myself excuses by creating a set of beliefs and ideas such as not wanting to take part in being a leader, justifying the belief "I cannot" by stating to myself "I actually don’t want to"… what a manipulation…

What came up is that I feel like a hypocrite, for asking them and pushing them while not yet having the ability of pushing myself, but as I push them I am in fact pushing myself thus am not a hypocrite, until I do it I cannot tell another to do it, but as I tell another to do it I am in fact doing it myself… 

And when it comes down to the details, it’s never as bad as it is in my head, I can think about not wanting to do something and compound the thoughts and fears, and then when I simply do it, it is never like it was in my mind, it is simple and doable… 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fears
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in believing my fears are justified, so I don’t have to push myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify my fears because of the fear of changing and taking responsibility
I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to believe the self limitation of not being able to lead and support others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define leadership within a polarity of one pulling and the others being dragged, instead of redefining the definition to one that has an equal starting point
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe being a leader makes me more than others, instead of realizing that by leading others or supporting them in creating a project doesn’t make me more than them, we all simply have different parts of the team.

Till here no further

I stop self manipulation, I do not allow myself to manipulate me into believing my self limitation, I do not allow myself to manipulate myself to becoming stressful from fear of failure/judgment and by stressing I freeze and manifest the very failure I am trying to avoid

I stop, I breathe, I am here, I am one and equal to all and everything, I am one and equal to the people I work with, I am one and equal to the people I support as their leader.
As long as I allow myself to hide behind the self belief of self limitation I am allowing all self limitation to exist , all manipulation to exist, and all deception to exist.

i stop myself within self honesty, i forgive myself, i stand and i walk

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