Tuesday, August 2, 2011

more on smoking

I have been in several situations where I was tempted to smoke but didn't, and actually the temptation was more of a memory, like I knew this is a situation where I use to want a cigarette, but it wasn't a nagging thought, I saw the thought/desire and I stopped it at that moment – so on the one hand I see the change and I am proud of myself for actually standing, this is very cool, on the other hand there is like a worry that I will be in a situation that I have not prepared myself for and will not stand. So what I can practically do about it is sit down and write about all situations I can come up with, as specific as I can be, and forgive myself as setting the way before me to not fall in these places.

One of the tempting situation thus far was having a conversation with a friend and it just felt like a "cigarette moment" – two gals having a heartfelt conversation and smoking, what I see within this is the picture presentation I have that I base this desire upon, like I have built an idea of it being appropriate/cool to smoke with a friend as we sit and talk

Another situation that I had to remind myself I am standing as my decision and not going to allow myself to be triggered into smoking, was at a gathering with some friends, and there was lots of weed around, and I just said no. it was really cool to stand as the point of quiting smoking and enjoying myself without any substance necessary. But thoughts of memory of how I used to not being able to say no came up – it was like I didn't recognize myself as someone that can say no to a smoke… it was quite cool.

There are specific friends that I will have to face this change within myself with them and I fear that being difficult, but as I am writing this I find it so ridiculous to fear our relationship will not stand this change..lol.. it's just me not smoking, no big deal… it feels like such a change to me that maybe my friends will get offended, but that doesn't make any sense, why would anyone get offended about me quitting smoking, and if they did it would just expose them as spiteful… looking at it now it is like a way to "test" relationships as to see who will stand the change of me and who will run… those that run – better sooner than later, and those that stay better I change sooner than later to set an example.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my friends for quitting smoking because
I have believe that our relationship is based on this common retuale we share

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that our relationship is based on me not changing, and within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear change within the excuse of fearing losing friends

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that friends that will not stand my changing are not supporting me as life but are using me to support their idea of me to help them define them. This is not friendship

I forgive myself that I've accepted ad allowed myself to desire smoking when talking with friends

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire smoking when offered to smoke

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed being asked to smoke to be a trigger point for the desire to smoke

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an idea within my mind that conversations are deeper with a cigarette

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect between the idea of a cigarette to the idea of being smart and insightful

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that people who smoke are smarter

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an image in my mind of intelligent people talking and smoking and I have define this image as a point of superiority

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look up to people that are sitting and smoking

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look up to people sitting and talking in a coffee shop,

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe they are so cool and carefree, they must have such interesting conversations

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less than those that talk and smoke and look so cool, and within that I have attempted to smoke to fit in to that image I look up to.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define smoking as cool

I forgive myself tat I've accepted and allowed myself to connect rolling cigarettes/joints to the idea of freedom

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with desire towards people rolling smokes

I forgive myself tha I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts that I'm missing out on something good when I pass an opportunity to smoke weed

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience the feeling of missing out when I do not follow the desire to smoke

Self forgiveness - smoking and giving up


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define a smoker as someone that smoke a certain amount of cigarettes and within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from smokers
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in separation through defining myself as a non-smoker
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define smokers as something bad that I must be separate from
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not a smoker because I see being a smoker as a bad thing
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing I am not a smoker
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel superior than smokers by defining myself as a non-smoker
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for smoking, and within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to draw a fiction line between me and smokers due to the amount of cigarettes we smoke instead of checking the starting point of why we smoke
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be triggered into smoking by specific pattern and scenarios and not as self-direction
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke as a reaction to a situation
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe it is hard to stop smoking
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I need a cigarette in specific scenarios
 
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to actually stop smoking because of the belief that it's hard and I desire a smoke
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is hard to stop my desires, and specifically the desire to smoke
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts telling me that I should smoke "just this time"
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts on my mind telling me to that I was never a smoker and thus don't need to quit
 
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the starting point of stopping smoking and thus have thought about it from a perspective of "right/wrong" and "should/shouldn't" instead of seeing it as stand of self, by stopping another point of participation with the mind, taking on one point at a time and committing myself to stopping that point as self-support in establishing self-trust

 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into drawing a line between me and them as the smokers
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow the desire I have for a smoke instead of directing myself
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire a cigarette when I see someone else smoking and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that as a mind desire and realize that it isn't real
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe my desires as being real and thus must be followed
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire a smoke when in a party
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to associate parties with smoking and thus when I am at a party I desire a smoke
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect drinking alcohol to smoking and thus when I am around drinking people I have a desire to smoke
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "indulge" in smoking as compensation for not allowing myself to drink
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire a smoke when I see others smoke
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire a cigarette when I am feeling down/sad and use cigarettes as a form of self-abuse
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke when I am sad as a way to create "directed judgment" and thus distract myself from the point I am dealing with
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when feeling sad/down to go in a loop of self-destructive behavior instead of standing one with myself and supporting myself to end the mind possession
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to when feeling sad/down to "forget"/put aside the principles I stand as and go into self-pity which is in fact self-abuse
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into self-judgment when I follow the desire of smoking
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire smoking now, as I am writing this
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire masturbating now as I am writing this
 
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to stop writing in order to go to bed and touch myself
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from facing myself
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define cigarettes as bad from childhood and thus hold on to a definition based on my past experience
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hate cigarettes as a child cause my dad use to smoke and we were all against it
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my dad for lying to us when he wanted a smoke and found excuses to leave the house for it
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge smokers/addicts as pathetic for not being able to control themselves and their desires
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being directive enough and not being in control of all that I do
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect directiveness with control
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be directed by scenarios instead of remaining the directing principle of self constantly
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be directed by a pattern/habit and within those point 
I have not directed myself as self-expression here as life, but have been directed by the past as memory
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to present myself as cool in front of other by not taking myself seriously
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect being cool to not being serious
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to act like it's no big deal, in order to feel better about myself
 
I forgive myself tat I've accepted and allowed myself to present smoking / being directed by habits and "it's only human" and thus allowing giving up and not standing
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give up without really trying based on the belief that its hard and not worth the trouble
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to be rewarded for stopping smoking and thus actually doing it from a starting pint of separation
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire being rewarded from something/someone external from me – I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I require something external than me to validate myself
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to present myself as weak as to set an example of someone that isn't standing and thus not supporting myself nor my friends around me
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to present myself as weak and fucked up based on the idea that "we are all human" giving an OK to not pushing ourselves to perfection
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe "we are only human" and thus cannot be perfect – within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the limitation of what I know from my past and people around me as not pushing to perfection
 
I forgive myself that 've accepted and allowed myself to believe that "trying" is what matters an I haven't seen the open back door that statement creates within the allowance of not pushing through all the way – stopping mid-way due to "trying"
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe trying is enough and I haven't realized that it holds within it the concept of giving up
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself as weak/failing/not standing and thus I continue to create myself as such, instead of standing and braking the pattern I exist as in the past to create a new me
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self-responsibility and thus it's "easier" to accepted myself as failure than actually standing and pushing through
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within the belief that I cannot change myself into perfection, so why even try
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to stay within the limitation of the mind and not even really try, but rather "try" within the context of already giving up
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself into believing that I am giving up for the sake of my friends instead of facing myself as giving up
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my failure and not standing by social standards such as it's ok, it's hard, no big deal
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the social structure of giving up instead of standing as life within breathe and push myself to direct myself at all times, in every moment, within consistency
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the social belief that it is hard or even impossible to perfect myself and stop my addictions
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the social construct that being a little addicted isn't bad
 
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously and create failure and giving up to 'support' not being serious, instead of stopping the definition of seriousness and focus on me, and standing within living action as the principle I speak of
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of disappointment when I expect my friends to have weed and they don't
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the desire for weed, and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that the desire was triggered by the situation and thus isn't of me
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowing myself to want to be with my friends from a self-interest of wanting to smoke with them
 
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowing myself to use the time spent with my friends as entertainment, not seeing them for who they are but using them as distractions from facing myself