more on smoking

I have been in several situations where I was tempted to smoke but didn't, and actually the temptation was more of a memory, like I knew this is a situation where I use to want a cigarette, but it wasn't a nagging thought, I saw the thought/desire and I stopped it at that moment – so on the one hand I see the change and I am proud of myself for actually standing, this is very cool, on the other hand there is like a worry that I will be in a situation that I have not prepared myself for and will not stand. So what I can practically do about it is sit down and write about all situations I can come up with, as specific as I can be, and forgive myself as setting the way before me to not fall in these places.

One of the tempting situation thus far was having a conversation with a friend and it just felt like a "cigarette moment" – two gals having a heartfelt conversation and smoking, what I see within this is the picture presentation I have that I base this desire upon, like I have built an idea of it being appropriate/cool to smoke with a friend as we sit and talk

Another situation that I had to remind myself I am standing as my decision and not going to allow myself to be triggered into smoking, was at a gathering with some friends, and there was lots of weed around, and I just said no. it was really cool to stand as the point of quiting smoking and enjoying myself without any substance necessary. But thoughts of memory of how I used to not being able to say no came up – it was like I didn't recognize myself as someone that can say no to a smoke… it was quite cool.

There are specific friends that I will have to face this change within myself with them and I fear that being difficult, but as I am writing this I find it so ridiculous to fear our relationship will not stand this change..lol.. it's just me not smoking, no big deal… it feels like such a change to me that maybe my friends will get offended, but that doesn't make any sense, why would anyone get offended about me quitting smoking, and if they did it would just expose them as spiteful… looking at it now it is like a way to "test" relationships as to see who will stand the change of me and who will run… those that run – better sooner than later, and those that stay better I change sooner than later to set an example.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my friends for quitting smoking because
I have believe that our relationship is based on this common retuale we share

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that our relationship is based on me not changing, and within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear change within the excuse of fearing losing friends

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that friends that will not stand my changing are not supporting me as life but are using me to support their idea of me to help them define them. This is not friendship

I forgive myself that I've accepted ad allowed myself to desire smoking when talking with friends

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire smoking when offered to smoke

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed being asked to smoke to be a trigger point for the desire to smoke

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an idea within my mind that conversations are deeper with a cigarette

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect between the idea of a cigarette to the idea of being smart and insightful

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that people who smoke are smarter

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an image in my mind of intelligent people talking and smoking and I have define this image as a point of superiority

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look up to people that are sitting and smoking

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look up to people sitting and talking in a coffee shop,

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe they are so cool and carefree, they must have such interesting conversations

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less than those that talk and smoke and look so cool, and within that I have attempted to smoke to fit in to that image I look up to.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define smoking as cool

I forgive myself tat I've accepted and allowed myself to connect rolling cigarettes/joints to the idea of freedom

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with desire towards people rolling smokes

I forgive myself tha I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts that I'm missing out on something good when I pass an opportunity to smoke weed

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience the feeling of missing out when I do not follow the desire to smoke