Wednesday, September 14, 2011

one step at a time

this is something i must remember every day - one step at a time...

i have stopped shaving my head a few weeks ago and i can see the pattern of impatience come up- how will i look as it grows? how long will it take to grow? will i have the patience to see it through? or will i end up shaving it because having a shaved head is what i have become used to...

it's like i forget to stop and breathe, i forget to slow myself down, to return here within stability, i allow myself to go in my mind and go on and on about future projections, compromising myself here...

i've noticed this pattern of impatiens come up often, i have allowed it to become me, i have allowed myself to be equal to the pattern of impatiens.
i stop this now.

everything is a process in life, change takes time due to the space time reality we live in - that is simply how it is... so by realizing this i do not need to allow myself to go into the stress of impatience - it is simply unnecessary.

what i do is - i will check my hair a few times a day - i mean god danm woman - give it time... let it grow and do it's thing, being impatient and thinking about it doesn't make it grow any faster...

same goes with writing assignments i need to hand in for school, so i need to write this big assignment and i need to start somewhere - but i am so overwhelmed by having nothing to start with that i freak out - due to the state of panic and sense of incompetence of believing i am not able to ever finish it because i haven't yet started - i do not allow myself to start writing... and then more panic and so on and so forth... what a useless loop

so i breathe

breathing is my ancoure - i don't always remember to go back to breath as i am caught up in my abusive manipulative mind - but that too is a process - one step at a time. i will remind myself to breathe time and time again until it become me, until i become breath. as long as it takes.

this is all reflecting the process of accumulation - 1+1+1+1.....  it adds up slowly but surly, one step at a time....

writing a paper or writing a blog, is a process of typing in letter by letter, word by word, sentence by sentence into a complete consent. it builds as the writing goes along, it is created as i type it in. it has never been here before and is created by me, letter by letter, slowly but surly, as a process of accumulation, accumulation of my persistence to write, accumulation of letters on the screen, accumulation of stopping the mind, accumulation of allowing my hair to grow...
it all happens in a consistent pace as long as i am consistent and do not stop. i cannot fail if i never give up - as long as i keep on going nothing can stop me but me...

so here i am, reminding myself to go on, to trust the process of accumulation, to stop the mind time and time again, until i stand here as breath, as life.

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