Writing

 

I have this idea in my mind that I do not like to write, that I am not a good writer and that I don’t have anything to write about.

The cool thing about writing is that once you start the words come out and sentences are get built, I could never have known that this is what I would write, this wasn’t planed, I didn’t prepare myself, this is simply what is coming up now at the moment – writing is a cool opportunity to actually be here in the moment.

Breathing while writing is a great practice as well… it is a good opportunity to slow down and breathe, although I do find that when I go slow it’s in a way harder, I guess I’m just not use to it – I’m use to racing throughout my day, one thought follows another like speeding bullets, no time to stop, no time to breathe, no time to be here and express myself because the whole time I am chasing thoughts and incomplete ideas. Through slowing down I get a chance to stop the snowballing of thought and ideas… and to simply be here… I am not used to it, so it seems uncomfortable – but the uncomfortable-ness is based on another idea of believing I should write fast and that I should have a flow within my writing… 

I know it’ a process of accumulation, I cannot expect from myself to have writing abilities or feel comfortable within writing as someone that has accumulated practice and experience within writing. Like anything in life, the more I do it the more it becomes me, like walking and riding a bike, only after many uncomfortable attempts did it become a “second nature”. 

So I am faced with a problem, on the one hand I do not yet enjoy writing and judge myself, due to the judgment I create resistance towards writing and in turn I do not write thus do not accumulate anything besides the idea that I cannot do it… on the other hand I know that if I actually push myself to write and push to overcome the resistance through stopping the judgment time and time again, it will in time accumulate – I will feel more comfortable, it will be easier for me to stop the judgment and not be directed by the resistance and will be able to actually support myself through writing – as I know this is a tool of self support, a way to see myself to clear point up with myself, to allow myself to see what and who I am allowing within myself so I am in a position to stop and correct myself.

So here I am, supporting myself through writing, there are many points that come up within me that I do not give direction to, there is so much to write about – behind the resistance towards writing there is a bigger resistance towards actually opening up these points and taking responsibility for all and everything in my reality.

There have been times that I came home and really wanted to write about a specific experience that I lost control in, like got angry or upset or jealous… and as I start writing so many thoughts and excuses of why not to do it, why not to direct the point keep coming up – in most cases I fall to the excuses and stop what I wanted to write about… I see now how by doing so time and time again I have made it much harder for myself, through allowing myself to be directed by thoughts and excuses I have made them stronger and me weaker. 

It’s like there is always movement and a space for direction – like a driver’s seat – if I am not taking charge and directing myself, a space opens up and I am allowing the mind to take control and be the directive principle of myself instead of standing within me and driving myself back home…

The more I write the more I am taking back the driver’s seat, the more I am showing myself that I can be trusted to direct myself.

This took me about 40 minutes to write – so this is proof that I don’t need a lot of time in order to write myself to freedom, this has been another excuse to not start writing cause I might not have time to finish what I started. So this is living proof that it doesn’t take too long… cool

 I commit myself to writing every day, to address and direct at least one point that came up within my day, to not allow the excuses and resistance to direct me but to direct myself as self support through writing.

Here goes, day 1

thanks