Thursday, September 22, 2011

writing - part 2

I committed myself to writing every day, I am now home after a really long day, within which I took a 3 hour nap cause I couldn’t keep my eyes open… I’ve been struggling with jet lag since I got back from the united stated 2 weeks ago – it’s never been so severe, and every time when I feel like I’m getting over it, I can’t fall asleep till 7am and the jet lag just continues or starts all over.

So I’m writing now, even though I don’t want to and have nothing to write about… this is what I tell myself – “ I don’t want to and have nothing to write about”… I know this is just thoughts and ideas keeping me from standing as the decision to write everyday – it isn’t really so difficult when simply doing it – it become a struggle when on top of simply doing it – I cover it up with all the thoughts and beliefs that it is a challenge, like a big hill to climb.. I am making it bigger than it is, and creating the struggle for myself as I do so.

It is so easy to find excuses to not write, to not fulfill my commitment towards myself: “I’m too tired”, “I had a long day”, “I have nothing to say”, “who cares?”, “what’s one day?”, “it’s ok to skip one time”… and so on… and this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to excuses – it’s fascinating how I have convinced myself of being a non creative person yet when it comes to excuses for getting myself out of responsibilities – my creativity is endless… I also tell myself I am a crappy sales person, and not convincing at all – but when it comes to convincing myself to give up and slack off, to not take my commitments seriously – I am soooo good… lol… if I would only direct my creativity and persistency towards self support, there would be nothing that could stop me. I would be unstoppable…

So why do I allow myself to put all this effort in self sabotage instead of in self support – why am I making it more difficult for myself instead of slowly but surely, within consistency, by process of accumulation, making it easier?...

I have created myself as the patter of giving up for so many years, this is how I know myself to be, I’ve accumulated years upon years of convincing myself that there’s no point in putting 100% of myself into anything I do, I’ve basically convinced myself I’m a loser. I’ve been allowing myself to exist as a loser.

It’s fascinating to see that I have defined myself as a loser and then I use this self definition to justify not doing my best and not standing, and then in fact create myself as a loser. It’s an endless loop that starts with my acceptance and allowance and will stop only when I stop it – it won’t change unless I stop it.

It’s funny, a part of me wants first to prove to myself that I’m not a loser, that I am capable and successful and only then will I believe it, but I won’t just suddenly stop being a loser and then tell myself “oh, look at me, I was wrong, now I will stop believing it” - no, because I am the one creating this whole construct and it must be me, as self direction, that stop it - it won’t stop until I stop.

So, here I am making another small step in the process of standing, in the process of changing myself, in the process of stopping the pattern up – another day I have stood by my commitment towards myself, and pushed through the resistance, to write – and as always – from thinking I had nothing to write about to expressing myself for myself, allowing myself to see myself as self sabotage and from here I stop again. Until it is done.

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