Sunday, March 13, 2011

Am i a deceiver?

just heard this vlog by Bernard Poolman, and reacted to it.

As i stated in my previous blog i am starting over.
but from what am i starting over from, have I been deceiving myself and others? am i the predator he is referring to in this vlog? am i a follower or able to be a leader? who decides who i am if not me?

I have the power to decide. so have i been deciding to be this weak/winy/lazy being? it never felt like a decision, it just felt like a fact, like my way to deal with reality, like my only option.

i have an assignment to write and have been believing the thoughts as backchat in my mind telling i am not able to do this assignment properly, i am incapable, not good enough... these thoughts would come up and actually interfere (interfere = enter fear) with my attempt to get the work done, these thoughts would distract me from actually doing that which i sat down to do. but i am the one who allowed these thoughts, and accepted them as myself, believed in them and thus made them into a reality. i have lived into reality the thought of me not being capable and have experienced it within my physical body as stress and anxiety, as a feeling of restlessness and irritation.

it doesn't feel like i am the one deciding to feel like a failure/incompetent/not worthy/less than... but who if not me is allowing these thought patterns to stay around and convince me of their so called truth?

this process of self realization isn't a one day decision and now i understand more the point of shaving my head. this process is an everyday decision, an everyday push and an everyday stand, it is not about deciding to walk it and then just talk about it, it is about actually walking, here, in the physical reality. shaving ones head is an actual physical act, some destonians shave their head everyday, i shave it about once a week. through this writing i see the value of shaving it every day, it is a physical act, like a physical reminder of ones decision, to walk today, to not give up, it is an act of self support. as writing is, as self forgiveness is.

so i've noticed i am not inclined of supporting myself, i have resistance towards all these acts of support. it is so absurd, that one won't support one's self, but here i am living as this absurdity.
why won't i give myself the gift of self support, why won't i unconditionally support myself, how can i expect myself to support anyone when i am not willing to support myself? how can i speak of equality when i am not equal within myself to allow myself to support me? how dare i speak words of equality and oneness, presenting myself as superior in front of those who do not see/live equality when i am not yet equal to myself? thus not yet know what equality is...

i have been deceiving everyone around me, speaking that which i am not yet living, and fighting for it, arguing about it, trying to feel better about myself through trying to destroy those who don't see my point, my point which i infact don't see yet i deceive myself and them though creating a polarity around this point of argument, i am the "superior" for showing them the point, and they are "inferior" for not getting it... i have been creating and participating in this polarity as part of my "fight for equality"??? could i be more deceitful???

i start over, a fresh start, i do not hold this judgment any longer, i push myself to correct myself, i push myself to allow myself to give myself the gift of self support as self forgiveness.

when i heard the vlog, i reacted as being exposed, as being the predator he speaks of. so i decide to stop myself as this predator, stop myself as the deceiver, and push myself to write, to expose myself for myself, as self support. to allow myself within humbleness to see who i have allowed myself to be and become. only through allowing myself to face myself can i forgive, let go, and correct myself within the alignment of equality as what is best for all..

breath by breath, one breath at a time, here



  1. Hi Maya - A Question: Did you answer the question: "Why am I not Supporting myself?"

    Interfere = Enter Fear (Good one!)

  2. hey Anna,
    there are a few reasons for why i am not supporting myself. one is the fear of change, and the other is wanting to be special and being able to do it "my way".
    that's what i am able to see...
    thanks for asking thus "making me" face the question