Saturday, April 30, 2011

21 days commitment – day 0

I have been feeling stuck – walking this process for 2 years and feeling stuck – walking around the same point, over and over...
So what is this point that I am not allowing myself to walk through? What is this point that I’m allowing to direct me instead of taking self responsibility and directing myself within breath in every moment, as life.
I am not applying myself – not applying self forgiveness – not using the tools I have been given by desteni, tools that cannot support me if I don’t use them – I will not change just by knowing about them – I must apply myself – not just talk about it but actually live it as myself.
I have a self belief that I am slow within my process, that I am missing a piece - for me to be effective, but it is this belief that is holding me back, nothing really is missing as I am here and I am all that I need - to self realize and correct myself – it’s all about me and here I am.
So why am I not starting – I have notice I have not made “the decision”, the decision to change and dedicate myself to life – but within this I have an idea as another belief - I have a belief that this dedication is something ‘big’ and ‘difficult’ that it will be a strain on myself and that I will have to give up on “my life” for it – when in fact I am giving up on my life when I am allowing myself to fear change, I am giving up on life when I am not allowing myself to face myself to actually see myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, to see who I am within self forgiveness – why am I not allowing myself to see/face me?
Because of fear, because of self judgment – as long as I judge myself for who I have allowed myself to be I cannot truly see myself – within self honesty I know I am not defined by that which I define myself as – I am not that which I judge – so within common sense: if it isn’t me in the first place why am I judging it as myself within feeling shame about it – as long as I feel shame I am indicating to myself that I am not self honest, that I am not allowing myself to let go the definition of myself as that which I am shameful about – but I know it isn’t me…
This is where self forgiveness comes in – a tool I have not yet applied as myself – a tool I know of, and have tried here and there, but never from the starting point of actually allowing myself to release the attachment I have to that which I am shameful towards and actually allow myself to let go for good – in order to stand as myself as life, within breath, and start living – allowing myself to live without shame – to live within acceptance, embracing myself within self forgiveness.
I am seeing more and more this is truly a process of self honesty and humbleness – to be willing to see myself for the first time – to allow myself to see all that I have been hiding from myself, projecting onto others, while judging them as ‘bad’, judging myself as ‘bad’… now I must face myself as the ‘bad’ that I am, allow myself to see me as the ‘bad’ I judge others to be. To, within humbleness, by realizing my innocence, forgive myself and direct myself to change.
I have been judging myself as less than myself, less than life. I have been comparing myself to other’s and feeling inferior, within this I have been accepting inferiority in all its’ shapes/colors/sizes… how can I judge another for “creating” inferiority as long as I am creating it within my own experience?
My ‘natural’ response is to go to self judgment – but what good would that do? Then I am just creating judgment and allowing all shapes/forms/sizes of judgment to exist – as I am allowing judgment within myself I am allowing judgment anywhere and everywhere else – I ask myself what world do I want to live in? a world of judgment/polarity/abuse, or a world of forgiveness/humbleness/support… the answer in easy – now I must live it for myself – I must be a living example of that which I want to see around me.
I am starting tomorrow a new day, a new moment. I have decided to stop living as the belief I cannot do it, stop believing I am too slow, stop believing I am not enough, and start focusing on actually applying myself until I change. I can teach myself to be more organized, I can teach myself to be more effective. To support me I have decided to commit for 21 days to not watch T.V. as I have been using and abusing T.V. – for 21 days I will go without T.V. so I am not  “addicted” to it, so I am not dependant on these long brakes that I have been taking, so I use my time more effectively and not “zone out” with the back chat that “OMG I need a break, I can’t do it anyway”… T.V has been for me an escape and an excuse, and as long as I use it as such I am abusing myself through it, self sabotage. So, 21 days no T.V.
And another point I have been neglecting is sleeping time, I have been staying in bed instead of taking a breath and starting my day, I have been over sleeping and not because I chose to, but rather because as I wake up I listen to this manipulative voice telling me to stay in bed for a few minutes longer, for no reason, even when I am reasonably refreshed…  so from tonight for 21 days I am committing myself to sleep 6 hours a day. For me the difficult times are when I don’t have any real concrete plans for the morning, when I do have things I have to do getting out of bed isn’t an issue, but this is showing me the point that I am not yet directing myself as life, I am directed by external activities and meetings with other’s that I “feel” like I cannot let down – these 21 days will be a commitment to myself not to let myself down, not because someone else is watching but because I am doing if from me.
All this so I have more time to actually move myself through this process, and apply myself effectively, to take better use of my time.  To not allow myself to use the excuse that I don’t have enough time to do things – I am supporting myself through creating more time for me to do the things needed to be done.
Ok, so tomorrow I start. 21 days. Go!!

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