How many time can i start over? As many as I need to, until it is done, until I stand unconditionally.
I have started thing process over and over many times, every time purifying my starting point, and correcting my application, pushing myself further
I have been walking for about 2 years now, but today I start again, it’s back to day one. Why am I starting over? I want to be clear within myself, that I have decided to dedicate myself to this process, I am dedicating myself to myself as life.
What does this dedication mean? Walking breath by breath, not allowing myself to fall into the traps of the mind, traps that I have programmed into and as myself and now am blind to see them, dedicated to revealing myself to myself, accepting myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so that from this acceptance and embracing of myself, I can change. Only through seeing who I am, I can stop being controlled by who I am, and start walking as the directive principle of myself as life, equal and one.
My agreement with myself is to breathe, to slow down, to write myself to freedom, and apply self forgiveness, to allow myself to realize myself without judgment.
I can use the self judgment as a red flag, to show me where I am still hiding from myself, where I am still not allowing myself to see myself as who I am. Believing in this judgment is why I fall, this is why I give up, I allow the self judgment to compound until it is too much, and it feel like I cannot do anything without the back chat of judgment in my mind putting me down…. I let go the judgment.
Slowing down within breath, realizing I can only walk one step at a time, one breath at a time, not getting caught up in the fears and worries of not being capable but rather simply do whatever it is until completed, always within breath.
I have noticed that much of what’s distracting me from doing what I intend to do, is thoughts of incompetence. So I am in my mind, listening to my back chat, instead of being here as breathe, and simply doing what needs to be done, within the pace of breath.
This reminds me a story, I went hiking with a friend in Nepal years ago, and I had a local man walk with me carrying my bag, me and my friend would walk up the hill and would get out of breath every few minutes. I just couldn’t continue, had to stop and rest. As we were resting the man with my bag came walking by in a consistent and stable slow pace, he passed us and kept on his way, in a stable consistent slow pace. he was never out of breath, and he never had to stop to rest, he was strolling this hike. My point is – to be consistent and SLOW DOWN!!!
I have been rushing and getting myself out of breath, and then I have to stop and rest, and it feels like I need to rush to get things done faster, but it just doesn’t work this way, if I do things slowly, within the pace of breath, that will be most efficient and most supportive, and will eliminate much of the self judgment that come up when I can’t walk anymore and need a break…
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