Sunday, May 8, 2011

Talking about a point before I have walked it

I had this experience today and what I saw is that people cannot support me unconditionally within this point - I have shared a point of how I am walking a process of equality, equalizing myself to myself and to all as myself, I expressed that I a working on stopping my thought feelings and emotions as the directive principle of myself, so I am working on not allowing myself to be directed by them. as I was sharing I mentioned that this is a process, and that in many occasions I still fall and find myself acting from within a reaction based in ego, fear, judgment…

The person I was sharing with, took this information and used it against me in the conversation. I kept telling him, “I am not yet done with this point”, I am sharing with him not from a perspective that this is done with, and he shouldn’t judge me and hold it against me, but he kept on “poking that point” and “rubbing it in my face” – he was saying things like “how can you say you are walking in the principle of equality when you are still feeling superiority/inferiority towards others?” “how can you state you are not your feelings and emotions and still act and react as them?” – his response to me “felt” sharp and aggressive, and I, that have presented myself as strong and stable, broke down…

We later talked about it and he shared that I sounded like a hypocrite to him, I am “preaching to oneness and equality, I am stating that one should do what is best for all and not react from one’s emotions/feeling, but in the same breath I admit to still doing it myself, if I haven’t walked it how can I share it to be possible, and how can I preach on the point. How can I say something is possible to achieve if I haven’t achieved/walked it myself???
He makes a good point.

How can I speak the information if I haven’t walked it myself – when I do so I am then speaking information and not lived-knowledge. I can understand now the resistance from him, I was sharing with him a belief, nothing I have proved to myself, why would he “eat it up” he was exercising critical thinking.

As we were discussing this point, another point opened up, this point was that I was not allowing myself to be valuable and I presented myself as strong/aggressive. This was interesting for me to see because in fact I was sharing a belief, not a lived realization, so I presented myself as more than myself, from fear of being seen as weak/vulnerable… he told me later that when he sees me acting out so strong he doesn’t “go easy on me” cause he thinks I can handle anything, and he shoots at me his strongest criticism..

This point of vulnerability comes up often for me; it is related to the point of fear of intimacy, these two points are joined at the fear of exposing myself within self honesty and then perhaps being “stepped on” with the shared information, having the information used against me…

The fear lay in the thought that if I share without the shield of protection, of acting strong and fearless, than I will get hurt, while in fact by deceiving myself and another by acting strong as a cover up, I am building the ground to hurt myself.

It was a fascinating conversation, because I did end up exposing my vulnerability, and actually thanked him for his response to me, because it allowed me to see the deception I was participating in while presenting myself as strong and stable to cover up the fact that I am speaking knowledge and information which until walked by me in the physical is nothing but a belief.

That point of gratitude was a point of application on my part. I, at one moment, stopped blaming him for attacking me and took self responsibility.

Another point I saw within this experience is breathing – it is so noticeable how breath is supportive through these situations. Every time when I am possessed by thoughts/feelings/emotions I can see later that I was not within and as breath, when I stop and breathe, everything calms down, slows down. I return here, I can see the situation more clearly within breath…

This situation all together made me see the how foolish it is to try to appear strong, because it actually puts me in a much more “problematic’ position – because if/when I am exposed, I then fall like a stack of cards. The fall is much greater from up there on a make belief cloud I had placed myself on, instead of speaking from here, where I am at, and then I cannot fall back to myself because I am here to begin with.

I see it much clearer now – when I separate myself from myself by acting strong or in any way that isn’t in fact my expression - any acting to be something that I am not, any form of acting as separation – I am creating a situation that falling is inevitable, because I am not in fact that which I present myself to be, there is always a gap within separation – and in that gap I then fall….

No separation – no gap to fall into 


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