Wednesday, July 13, 2011

How I got to desteni?

So, how did i get to desteni?
where do i start? how far back do i look?... 
I remember asking existential questions since i was about 18, I started having conversations about what is real, what is ‘the truth’ - for years I took the approach of what me and my friends called “the theory of possibility” or “posibilitism” – the bottom line of this theory was that I knew I didn’t know, so basically anything could be possible and nothing was certain.

In 2003 I was in India and that’s when I started my ‘constructed’ spiritual journey, I went to a satsang with Dolano, an ‘enlightened being’, I sat there for a month and a half as she would talk about her path and share her insights, she would then ask the group: “do you recognize?” - do we recognize ourselves, do we recognize the truth of what she was saying. I would say yes just because I was afraid of saying no. I was afraid of her turning and talking to me directly, I was afraid of exposing myself as “not getting it” – much of what she said had made sense, but I didn’t have a “recognition” – or at least I didn’t experience anything special that I have defined as “recognition” (looking at it now, it’s kind of funny I was expecting self recognition to be a special experience and my perception of ‘getting it” or not was based on this definition of special experience which I didn’t have…).
I thought I was the only one that didn’t recognize within myself what Dolano was talking about, cause everybody (like me) answered yes, saying they do recognize themselves…
Since everybody around me said they recognize themselves, while I knew I didn’t, I felt out of place and inferior (only later on did I realize that they were faking it as well and didn’t recognize either…)

So, as I said, I didn’t have any ‘special experience’, but I sure did have insightful moments listening to her speak. She brought to my attention some really cool points, points that I see as milestones in my path that brought me to Desteni, and points that assisted me in not losing the way with distractions/temptations of energetic experiences and beliefs…

The point she wanted us to recognize is that we are nothing, as in “no thing”, not anything that can be defined; any definition we find of ourselves will not be it. Any definition would be a limitation of the vastness/nothingness that we are.
I remember the reaction as resistance I had at first, when she spoke about nothing and emptiness, as I have defined it as something bad, defining the word ‘nothing’ within polarity. Looking at it now, I see how it was the first indication that everything really is in reverse…

She would say that anything that is an experience is a “come and a go”, as in - not eternal, thus an indication that it is not real, not of self – this helped me to see through the deception of people sharing their spiritual experiences about high energies / hearing things / seeing things - I knew if they are not able to reach that state now, it’s a “come and a go” thus it isn’t real and isn’t of any value from the perspective of “so what?”, and it helped me see that it doesn’t place them in a ‘high spiritual place’ for having experienced some experience, even though in most cases they tried to place themselves in such a spiritually higher position.
Another point she would talk about is that meditation isn’t the way to enlightenment, it can be used as a tool but it wasn’t necessary. She also spoke about acceptance and that some things are simply unacceptable even though other spiritual teachers speak about acceptance as if it is a goal to reach, in contras she said we can act on it and not accept that which is unacceptable but  without going into reaction towards them – lots of what she said was revolutionary compared to the “main stream” spirituality stuff that I was exposed to around me, and lots of what she said made it much easier for me to understand the Desteni message. I don’t know how and why we create our path the way we do, but I am grateful for crossing my paths with Dolano’s teachings.

I was listening to Dolano for about 2 months in Pune of India, so I was also exposed to the Osho practice and followers, then in the next few years I continues investigating other spiritual paths such as kabalah, channeling, energy work, tantra. I had more and more spiritual friends and spiritual/philosophical conversations… during this time I built an idea about reality, and about life and love… but there was always something missing – I heard everybody speak of oneness, and that made perfect sense to me, because in the physical reality as well it is clear that we are all one, one “cloud” of substance, nothing really separating anything from anything else besides the perception of separation, which is “the illusion” the self deception we exist as – another discovery I had when I was in India is that the definition of my name ‘Maya’ is the illusion…

Anyway, everybody spoke about oneness but in application the practice was of separation. To me it was like fighting fire with fire, violence with violence – it didn’t make sense – how can we ‘fight’ separation with separation, as I saw it – the only way to reach/realize oneness had to be within the application of oneness. In kabala class I remember everything sounded really good, it all fit in perfectly, until the point of god, it just didn’t fit in with the whole oneness concept, how can you speak of “there is only one” but then separate yourself from god. Other conflicts I had with the teaching that I went to was that they would speak about high energies and will reject people with low energies, or would speak about love but will push away that which they judged as darkness/bad/hate – they would love only those that love and couldn’t love those that hate… I knew that real-love is unconditional-love and that anything within a condition wasn’t really love. So what were they all talking about???

I didn’t have the words for it then, but I think that this discomfort I had was a glimpse of self honesty, I was allowing myself to look beyond and see through the deception of separation and polarity.

In the months before I found Desteni I was more and more into becoming enlightened. I didn’t define enlightenment as a white light or anything energetic, I saw enlightenment as the state where one is free of one’s mind – I wanted to be free of my fears, free of my mind, basically to be free of myself. I knew that I was my own limitation, I knew that I was the responsible for all my experiences and I knew that the only thing for me to change would be me.
But, with all the years of searching, I didn’t have one practical tool that I could agree with – what I mean is that I had many tools that had a starting point of separation, and I didn’t buy into that. So I was stuck, I knew what I wanted but didn’t have a way to do it.

During the search for enlightenment I went to a “channeller therapist” that I went to t try to figure myself out and he said he could help me with my goal of freeing myself from the mind, and he charged highly for it… after a few months he introduced me to a group of people, only later did I find out they were some sort of cult. Their goal was that they were going to be enlightened and live forever once they transcended the fear of death.
During my time with them I was exposed to the idea of thoughts creating reality, and of stopping the mind – lots of what they did and said made a whole lot of sense and some was completely insane and abusive –it took me some time to realize that it was not a supportive environment – the main good thing about this group is that that’s where I met MayaH. We connected as friends, then she left them, then I left shortly after.
After she had left she had found Desteni on youtube and was fascinated with the information, she talked to me about it, and told me she found something amazing, she pushed me in the direction of leaving the cult and told me that I have to watch these videos.

I had lots of free time in those days, and I trusted Maya based on our conversations and the experiences we shared at the cult, we supported each other during our time there, and she supported me as I was leaving them… so I figured I didn’t have anything to lose and I started watching the Desteni videos.
So, that’s how I got to Desteni, thanks to MayaH, she really wanted me to see the HOM series, I saw it but for the first 18 parts I didn’t really get any of it, but I kept on watching cause Maya told me it will make more sense as I continue, and that it connects in the end…

And then it hit me, it all started making sense, well not all of it, but the message was clear – oneness and equality – and the application was clear, and what was most important for me, was that the application was in alignment to the principle.

I felt like finally I have found all the pieces of the puzzle and now it’s up to me to put it together.

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