Tuesday, June 21, 2011

disappointed at you or me?

i went with some of the children i work with to clean the beach today - it was a big project wth lots of other children from the area.
during the day these kids thought they should get paid for their work, and they were complaining constantly - all they wanted to do was to sit around - anything but actually clean the beach and participate in the activity.

i was very frustrated by their behavior, and though to myself how selfish they are, as an educational figure i felt like i should do something about it and i told them they are being spoiled and all they want is to enjoy the beach but don't want to do anything about keeping it clean, i told them i was disappointed that they are just sitting and complaining instead of getting up and doing something about the situation - at one point most of them got up and did some cleaning, they participated and i have a sense of success...
before the actual cleaning activity there were other activities to explain that damage of all the garbage we allow in our water sources - how it hurts the animals and such... so they had an idea why they should clean, and could see how they are responsible in their participation for some of the mess...

i am just about to get in bed, after a really long day and i have been contemplating on how i was disappointed at them for not wanting to clean, and about how i reacted to them, how i expressed myself and so on... and it just amazes me every time to see how clear the reflection is - how everything i reacted towards them is actually me showing myself to me - i am selfish for not pushing myself to change, to forgive and correct myself even though i know that i am responsible for my participation. i know people and animals are getting hurt by the current system and i am sitting around "not feeling like" doing much about it, bitching and complaining about how much work i have to do and how busy i am and how i cannot get to any of the things i want to, while wasting valuable time watching TV and speaking on the phone...
everything i see within them is a reflection of me, any reaction i have towards them is showing me where i am not accepting myself and thus where i must check out a point within me and align myself to be someone i can be proud of.

another point i see within this is that the best way to be an educational figure is to be a roll model - it all comes back to self, changing self, correcting self, creating a self that i actually want to be. until now i have used my knowledge with them, telling them who and how they should and shouldn't be - trying to know what to say and how to say it - to say it in a way that will influence them - i haven't been very affective, becasue i have been speaking knowledge and ideas, instead of speaking the living word as a living statement that i can actually stand by and as.

within being around children there is the gift of having a very clear mirror - today was another day showing me where i am still not standing within myself - it is so fullish to believe it's about "them", the kids in this case, or their parents for not educating them correctly, or society for destroying their young minds or .. or.. or... instead of actually taking the opportunity and looking within self, seeing where i am participating, where i am responsible - always taking it back to self


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