smoking and giving up

I never saw myself as a smoker, but I find it hard to stop smoking. I had an excuse of not being addicted so there is no need to stop, and "there is no harm in smoking a cigarette here and there" - but that's bullshit, if I'm not addicted than why do I experience desire for cigarette every time I see a friend pull a cigarette out – well, not always, but in specific scenarios – so there are some specific scenarios that within them I am addicted to cigarettes – points I am not self-directed but rather directed by a pattern/habit that I have accepted and allowed as myself.

I find that expressing myself with others around I say things like: "well I want to quite but what the hell, I'll just have one or today, or no big deal…" 

I now see this point from two perspectives: 1. I don't want to be seen too seriously, like it would look 'bad' if I was so strict with myself, like taking it lightly is being cool – when in fact it is the opposite, it is cool to stand as my word and stand as my decision to stop smoking, it's like I don't want them to feel bad and jealous so I do it for them.. lol…lol.. 2. The second reason is that I am use to defining myself as someone weak, and I am used to not standing one with my decision, and I "know" myself as someone that doesn't go all the way – with some of my friends I find myself speaking about trying to quite – I see now that I am supporting myself in not quitting by believing I am presenting an act to them , an act of me being weak, but in fact I am weak while not stopping, it isn't an act anymore..  

 to be clear – 1. Not taking it seriously looks cool to me and going all the way is seen by me as uptight, and 2. Not "rubbing" in their faces that I was able to quit, not allowing myself to stand to play along with the social game of accepted failure and mediocrity – by doing so I am supporting all of our limitations… supporting giving up.

This is fucked up self-abuse shit!!!

A specific memory is when I am sitting with a friend, that I used to smoke with, and now we are hanging out and the desire to smoke comes up – I ask if she has any weed – two options: yes or no, if no – I am disappointed, I experience a low in energy, like a small sadness, thoughts of wanting to get some, or what is the point of hanging out, "shit, I wanted to smoke", even thoughts of blaming my friends for not having any weed.

If the answer is yes, than I experience excitement followed by conflict/guilt – since I have "stopped" smoking what happens is, after I know there is weed an inner conflict comes up – so instead of standing as my decision to stop smoking, and to stop participation with the mind as the desire to smoke, instead of doing that I share with my friend that it is so hard to quite, and that "what is the harm if I just smoke today", "I have gone down with the amounts, what's the point of being drastic"… and so on… 

I realize that I am compromising myself by doing so, and not allowing myself to support my friends through setting an example of someone that made a decision and is sticking to it from a principle of not being directed by the mind as desires and habits, but rather self-direct as a stand for and as life

So, looking within self-honesty - I have been taking cigarettes here and there, and haven't stopped smoking weed as a statement of not going all the way, as a statement that it's OK to fuck up, a statement that it's OK to follow mind desires and be directed by habits /patterns / situations instead of directing myself here, as life, moving through and as situations within breath – not falling to patterns that control/direct me – how can I be trusted if I allow myself to be directed by thoughts/desires that I have no control over, thoughts and desires that have proven themselves to be destructive in nature – why do I allow myself to be directed by mind instead of standing and directing myself? What am I afraid of? Why won't I take self-responsibility? Why won't I stand? What am I waiting for? What is the purpose of believing that I cannot make it, that I am not strong enough to push through patterns / desires / resistances? What is the point of believing I am weak?

If I have to make a choice today and stand by it for the rest of my life – what would it be? Would I chose to support myself, and build self-trust so I can be the living directive principle of myself, to stop the limitations and fears I exist as and start living here within breath, as a living example that change is possible, as a living example of the principle of equality and oneness, as a living example of acting from the starting pint of what is best for all while stopping participation with the mind as self-interest.

OR

do I chose to give myself excuses, not take myself seriously, and believe I am incapable of changing, do I chose to support my desires/patterns/habits and within doing so state that everyone's desires/patterns/habits are legitimate – am I supporting the excuse that it is hard to transcend and change and therefore "cut me some slack", am I choosing to support everybody else's excuses and laziness?

I must realize that by not standing as the example of the principle of oneness and equality which I say I support - how can I state I support it, and how can I expect others to live as support to this principle if I am not living it myself and only expressing and showing them how hard/impossible it is.

I have been setting an example of excuses/justification/whining/not pushing/not standing/ not changing – how can I expect the world to ever change if I am not willing to change myself, if I am busy giving myself excuses over and over and over again?

I stop, I do not give up, I start over, I continue, I walk – until it is done. I walk until my mind is silent, until I trust myself to direct myself and never fall in the traps of the mind / thoughts / desires / excuses / beliefs / limitations / emotions / reactions…

I am here, I am breathing, I am breath – I cannot fail unless I fail myself

I have noticed lately more than ever how I lack self-forgiveness in my application, I have been avoiding the point of self-forgiveness time and time again, and I am doing everything but not changing – I realize I am not applying the most basic tool, I am not applying myself as self-forgiveness and thus not actually allowing myself to let go of the "old me" in order to create a "new me", a self-directive me.

I have been avoiding this tool for the past two years and it has been the only tool I am not allowing myself to apply fully and unconditionally – I see more and more how everybody is moving around me and I am stuck in place, time looping over and over – time to start. What the hell have I got to lose? lol…