two faces of self judgement

i'm finding out that there are two kinds of self judgement -

one comes from inferiority /not accepting myself / not embracing myself /defining myself according to an idea... in this case the judgment isn't really pointing at the subject at hand but rather at the starting point - why am i allowing myself to create an experience of self judgement within myself....

the other form of self judgement is me telling myself to get my act together, it is actually pointing to the subject at hand, it is me showing myself i can correct/align this point i am judging myself for, a point that my participation within it is unacceptable from the perspective of self honesty, and i must correct/change/stop my participation with this point

this is a point where self honesty comes in, to tell the two apart, even though both must be stopped, they each are showing me a different construct and will be "dealt with" differently.

within this i see how self judgement is actually a point of self support if i allow myself to take self responsibility and see what i am showing myself, and what corrections within my applications must be made.

thanks

How I got to desteni?

So, how did i get to desteni?
where do i start? how far back do i look?... 
 

I remember asking existential questions since i was about 18, I started having conversations about what is real, what is ‘the truth’ - for years I took the approach of what me and my friends called “the theory of possibility” or “posibilitism” – the bottom line of this theory was that I knew I didn’t know, so basically anything could be possible and nothing was certain.

In 2003 I was in India and that’s when I started my ‘constructed’ spiritual journey, I went to a satsang with Dolano, an ‘enlightened being’, I sat there for a month and a half as she would talk about her path and share her insights, she would then ask the group: “do you recognize?” - do we recognize ourselves, do we recognize the truth of what she was saying. I would say yes just because I was afraid of saying no. I was afraid of her turning and talking to me directly, I was afraid of exposing myself as “not getting it” – much of what she said had made sense, but I didn’t have a “recognition” – or at least I didn’t experience anything special that I have defined as “recognition” (looking at it now, it’s kind of funny I was expecting self recognition to be a special experience and my perception of ‘getting it” or not was based on this definition of special experience which I didn’t have…).

I thought I was the only one that didn’t recognize within myself what Dolano was talking about, cause everybody (like me) answered yes, saying they do recognize themselves…

Since everybody around me said they recognize themselves, while I knew I didn’t, I felt out of place and inferior (only later on did I realize that they were faking it as well and didn’t recognize either…)

So, as I said, I didn’t have any ‘special experience’, but I sure did have insightful moments listening to her speak. She brought to my attention some really cool points, points that I see as milestones in my path that brought me to Desteni, and points that assisted me in not losing the way with distractions/temptations of energetic experiences and beliefs…

The point she wanted us to recognize is that we are nothing, as in “no thing”, not anything that can be defined; any definition we find of ourselves will not be it. Any definition would be a limitation of the vastness/nothingness that we are.

I remember the reaction as resistance I had at first, when she spoke about nothing and emptiness, as I have defined it as something bad, defining the word ‘nothing’ within polarity. Looking at it now, I see how it was the first indication that everything really is in reverse…

She would say that anything that is an experience is a “come and a go”, as in - not eternal, thus an indication that it is not real, not of self – this helped me to see through the deception of people sharing their spiritual experiences about high energies / hearing things / seeing things - I knew if they are not able to reach that state now, it’s a “come and a go” thus it isn’t real and isn’t of any value from the perspective of “so what?”, and it helped me see that it doesn’t place them in a ‘high spiritual place’ for having experienced some experience, even though in most cases they tried to place themselves in such a spiritually higher position.

Another point she would talk about is that meditation isn’t the way to enlightenment, it can be used as a tool but it wasn’t necessary. She also spoke about acceptance and that some things are simply unacceptable even though other spiritual teachers speak about acceptance as if it is a goal to reach, in contras she said we can act on it and not accept that which is unacceptable but  without going into reaction towards them – lots of what she said was revolutionary compared to the “main stream” spirituality stuff that I was exposed to around me, and lots of what she said made it much easier for me to understand the Desteni message. I don’t know how and why we create our path the way we do, but I am grateful for crossing my paths with Dolano’s teachings.

I was listening to Dolano for about 2 months in Pune of India, so I was also exposed to the Osho practice and followers, then in the next few years I continues investigating other spiritual paths such as kabalah, channeling, energy work, tantra. I had more and more spiritual friends and spiritual/philosophical conversations… during this time I built an idea about reality, and about life and love… but there was always something missing – I heard everybody speak of oneness, and that made perfect sense to me, because in the physical reality as well it is clear that we are all one, one “cloud” of substance, nothing really separating anything from anything else besides the perception of separation, which is “the illusion” the self deception we exist as – another discovery I had when I was in India is that the definition of my name ‘Maya’ is the illusion…

Anyway, everybody spoke about oneness but in application the practice was of separation. To me it was like fighting fire with fire, violence with violence – it didn’t make sense – how can we ‘fight’ separation with separation, as I saw it – the only way to reach/realize oneness had to be within the application of oneness. In kabala class I remember everything sounded really good, it all fit in perfectly, until the point of god, it just didn’t fit in with the whole oneness concept, how can you speak of “there is only one” but then separate yourself from god. Other conflicts I had with the teaching that I went to was that they would speak about high energies and will reject people with low energies, or would speak about love but will push away that which they judged as darkness/bad/hate – they would love only those that love and couldn’t love those that hate… I knew that real-love is unconditional-love and that anything within a condition wasn’t really love. So what were they all talking about???

I didn’t have the words for it then, but I think that this discomfort I had was a glimpse of self honesty, I was allowing myself to look beyond and see through the deception of separation and polarity.

In the months before I found Desteni I was more and more into becoming enlightened. I didn’t define enlightenment as a white light or anything energetic, I saw enlightenment as the state where one is free of one’s mind – I wanted to be free of my fears, free of my mind, basically to be free of myself. I knew that I was my own limitation, I knew that I was the responsible for all my experiences and I knew that the only thing for me to change would be me.

But, with all the years of searching, I didn’t have one practical tool that I could agree with – what I mean is that I had many tools that had a starting point of separation, and I didn’t buy into that. So I was stuck, I knew what I wanted but didn’t have a way to do it.

During the search for enlightenment I went to a “channeller therapist” that I went to t try to figure myself out and he said he could help me with my goal of freeing myself from the mind, and he charged highly for it… after a few months he introduced me to a group of people, only later did I find out they were some sort of cult. Their goal was that they were going to be enlightened and live forever once they transcended the fear of death.

During my time with them I was exposed to the idea of thoughts creating reality, and of stopping the mind – lots of what they did and said made a whole lot of sense and some was completely insane and abusive –it took me some time to realize that it was not a supportive environment – the main good thing about this group is that that’s where I met MayaH. We connected as friends, then she left them, then I left shortly after.

After she had left she had found Desteni on youtube and was fascinated with the information, she talked to me about it, and told me she found something amazing, she pushed me in the direction of leaving the cult and told me that I have to watch these videos.

I had lots of free time in those days, and I trusted Maya based on our conversations and the experiences we shared at the cult, we supported each other during our time there, and she supported me as I was leaving them… so I figured I didn’t have anything to lose and I started watching the Desteni videos.

So, that’s how I got to Desteni, thanks to MayaH, she really wanted me to see the HOM series, I saw it but for the first 18 parts I didn’t really get any of it, but I kept on watching cause Maya told me it will make more sense as I continue, and that it connects in the end…

And then it hit me, it all started making sense, well not all of it, but the message was clear – oneness and equality – and the application was clear, and what was most important for me, was that the application was in alignment to the principle.

I felt like finally I have found all the pieces of the puzzle and now it’s up to me to put it together.

disappointed at you or me?

i went with some of the children i work with to clean the beach today - it was a big project wth lots of other children from the area.
during the day these kids thought they should get paid for their work, and they were complaining constantly - all they wanted to do was to sit around - anything but actually clean the beach and participate in the activity.

i was very frustrated by their behavior, and though to myself how selfish they are, as an educational figure i felt like i should do something about it and i told them they are being spoiled and all they want is to enjoy the beach but don't want to do anything about keeping it clean, i told them i was disappointed that they are just sitting and complaining instead of getting up and doing something about the situation - at one point most of them got up and did some cleaning, they participated and i have a sense of success...
before the actual cleaning activity there were other activities to explain that damage of all the garbage we allow in our water sources - how it hurts the animals and such... so they had an idea why they should clean, and could see how they are responsible in their participation for some of the mess...

i am just about to get in bed, after a really long day and i have been contemplating on how i was disappointed at them for not wanting to clean, and about how i reacted to them, how i expressed myself and so on... and it just amazes me every time to see how clear the reflection is - how everything i reacted towards them is actually me showing myself to me - i am selfish for not pushing myself to change, to forgive and correct myself even though i know that i am responsible for my participation. i know people and animals are getting hurt by the current system and i am sitting around "not feeling like" doing much about it, bitching and complaining about how much work i have to do and how busy i am and how i cannot get to any of the things i want to, while wasting valuable time watching TV and speaking on the phone...
everything i see within them is a reflection of me, any reaction i have towards them is showing me where i am not accepting myself and thus where i must check out a point within me and align myself to be someone i can be proud of.

another point i see within this is that the best way to be an educational figure is to be a roll model - it all comes back to self, changing self, correcting self, creating a self that i actually want to be. until now i have used my knowledge with them, telling them who and how they should and shouldn't be - trying to know what to say and how to say it - to say it in a way that will influence them - i haven't been very affective, becasue i have been speaking knowledge and ideas, instead of speaking the living word as a living statement that i can actually stand by and as.

within being around children there is the gift of having a very clear mirror - today was another day showing me where i am still not standing within myself - it is so fullish to believe it's about "them", the kids in this case, or their parents for not educating them correctly, or society for destroying their young minds or .. or.. or... instead of actually taking the opportunity and looking within self, seeing where i am participating, where i am responsible - always taking it back to self

thanks

smoking and giving up

I never saw myself as a smoker, but I find it hard to stop smoking. I had an excuse of not being addicted so there is no need to stop, and "there is no harm in smoking a cigarette here and there" - but that's bullshit, if I'm not addicted than why do I experience desire for cigarette every time I see a friend pull a cigarette out – well, not always, but in specific scenarios – so there are some specific scenarios that within them I am addicted to cigarettes – points I am not self-directed but rather directed by a pattern/habit that I have accepted and allowed as myself.

I find that expressing myself with others around I say things like: "well I want to quite but what the hell, I'll just have one or today, or no big deal…" 

I now see this point from two perspectives: 1. I don't want to be seen too seriously, like it would look 'bad' if I was so strict with myself, like taking it lightly is being cool – when in fact it is the opposite, it is cool to stand as my word and stand as my decision to stop smoking, it's like I don't want them to feel bad and jealous so I do it for them.. lol…lol.. 2. The second reason is that I am use to defining myself as someone weak, and I am used to not standing one with my decision, and I "know" myself as someone that doesn't go all the way – with some of my friends I find myself speaking about trying to quite – I see now that I am supporting myself in not quitting by believing I am presenting an act to them , an act of me being weak, but in fact I am weak while not stopping, it isn't an act anymore..  

 to be clear – 1. Not taking it seriously looks cool to me and going all the way is seen by me as uptight, and 2. Not "rubbing" in their faces that I was able to quit, not allowing myself to stand to play along with the social game of accepted failure and mediocrity – by doing so I am supporting all of our limitations… supporting giving up.

This is fucked up self-abuse shit!!!

A specific memory is when I am sitting with a friend, that I used to smoke with, and now we are hanging out and the desire to smoke comes up – I ask if she has any weed – two options: yes or no, if no – I am disappointed, I experience a low in energy, like a small sadness, thoughts of wanting to get some, or what is the point of hanging out, "shit, I wanted to smoke", even thoughts of blaming my friends for not having any weed.

If the answer is yes, than I experience excitement followed by conflict/guilt – since I have "stopped" smoking what happens is, after I know there is weed an inner conflict comes up – so instead of standing as my decision to stop smoking, and to stop participation with the mind as the desire to smoke, instead of doing that I share with my friend that it is so hard to quite, and that "what is the harm if I just smoke today", "I have gone down with the amounts, what's the point of being drastic"… and so on… 

I realize that I am compromising myself by doing so, and not allowing myself to support my friends through setting an example of someone that made a decision and is sticking to it from a principle of not being directed by the mind as desires and habits, but rather self-direct as a stand for and as life

So, looking within self-honesty - I have been taking cigarettes here and there, and haven't stopped smoking weed as a statement of not going all the way, as a statement that it's OK to fuck up, a statement that it's OK to follow mind desires and be directed by habits /patterns / situations instead of directing myself here, as life, moving through and as situations within breath – not falling to patterns that control/direct me – how can I be trusted if I allow myself to be directed by thoughts/desires that I have no control over, thoughts and desires that have proven themselves to be destructive in nature – why do I allow myself to be directed by mind instead of standing and directing myself? What am I afraid of? Why won't I take self-responsibility? Why won't I stand? What am I waiting for? What is the purpose of believing that I cannot make it, that I am not strong enough to push through patterns / desires / resistances? What is the point of believing I am weak?

If I have to make a choice today and stand by it for the rest of my life – what would it be? Would I chose to support myself, and build self-trust so I can be the living directive principle of myself, to stop the limitations and fears I exist as and start living here within breath, as a living example that change is possible, as a living example of the principle of equality and oneness, as a living example of acting from the starting pint of what is best for all while stopping participation with the mind as self-interest.

OR

do I chose to give myself excuses, not take myself seriously, and believe I am incapable of changing, do I chose to support my desires/patterns/habits and within doing so state that everyone's desires/patterns/habits are legitimate – am I supporting the excuse that it is hard to transcend and change and therefore "cut me some slack", am I choosing to support everybody else's excuses and laziness?

I must realize that by not standing as the example of the principle of oneness and equality which I say I support - how can I state I support it, and how can I expect others to live as support to this principle if I am not living it myself and only expressing and showing them how hard/impossible it is.

I have been setting an example of excuses/justification/whining/not pushing/not standing/ not changing – how can I expect the world to ever change if I am not willing to change myself, if I am busy giving myself excuses over and over and over again?

I stop, I do not give up, I start over, I continue, I walk – until it is done. I walk until my mind is silent, until I trust myself to direct myself and never fall in the traps of the mind / thoughts / desires / excuses / beliefs / limitations / emotions / reactions…

I am here, I am breathing, I am breath – I cannot fail unless I fail myself

I have noticed lately more than ever how I lack self-forgiveness in my application, I have been avoiding the point of self-forgiveness time and time again, and I am doing everything but not changing – I realize I am not applying the most basic tool, I am not applying myself as self-forgiveness and thus not actually allowing myself to let go of the "old me" in order to create a "new me", a self-directive me.

I have been avoiding this tool for the past two years and it has been the only tool I am not allowing myself to apply fully and unconditionally – I see more and more how everybody is moving around me and I am stuck in place, time looping over and over – time to start. What the hell have I got to lose? lol…  

Talking about a point before I have walked it

I had this experience today and what I saw is that people cannot support me unconditionally within this point - I have shared a point of how I am walking a process of equality, equalizing myself to myself and to all as myself, I expressed that I a working on stopping my thought feelings and emotions as the directive principle of myself, so I am working on not allowing myself to be directed by them. as I was sharing I mentioned that this is a process, and that in many occasions I still fall and find myself acting from within a reaction based in ego, fear, judgment…

The person I was sharing with, took this information and used it against me in the conversation. I kept telling him, “I am not yet done with this point”, I am sharing with him not from a perspective that this is done with, and he shouldn’t judge me and hold it against me, but he kept on “poking that point” and “rubbing it in my face” – he was saying things like “how can you say you are walking in the principle of equality when you are still feeling superiority/inferiority towards others?” “how can you state you are not your feelings and emotions and still act and react as them?” – his response to me “felt” sharp and aggressive, and I, that have presented myself as strong and stable, broke down…

We later talked about it and he shared that I sounded like a hypocrite to him, I am “preaching to oneness and equality, I am stating that one should do what is best for all and not react from one’s emotions/feeling, but in the same breath I admit to still doing it myself, if I haven’t walked it how can I share it to be possible, and how can I preach on the point. How can I say something is possible to achieve if I haven’t achieved/walked it myself???

He makes a good point.

How can I speak the information if I haven’t walked it myself – when I do so I am then speaking information and not lived-knowledge. I can understand now the resistance from him, I was sharing with him a belief, nothing I have proved to myself, why would he “eat it up” he was exercising critical thinking.

As we were discussing this point, another point opened up, this point was that I was not allowing myself to be valuable and I presented myself as strong/aggressive. This was interesting for me to see because in fact I was sharing a belief, not a lived realization, so I presented myself as more than myself, from fear of being seen as weak/vulnerable… he told me later that when he sees me acting out so strong he doesn’t “go easy on me” cause he thinks I can handle anything, and he shoots at me his strongest criticism..

This point of vulnerability comes up often for me; it is related to the point of fear of intimacy, these two points are joined at the fear of exposing myself within self honesty and then perhaps being “stepped on” with the shared information, having the information used against me…

The fear lay in the thought that if I share without the shield of protection, of acting strong and fearless, than I will get hurt, while in fact by deceiving myself and another by acting strong as a cover up, I am building the ground to hurt myself.

It was a fascinating conversation, because I did end up exposing my vulnerability, and actually thanked him for his response to me, because it allowed me to see the deception I was participating in while presenting myself as strong and stable to cover up the fact that I am speaking knowledge and information which until walked by me in the physical is nothing but a belief.

That point of gratitude was a point of application on my part. I, at one moment, stopped blaming him for attacking me and took self responsibility.

Another point I saw within this experience is breathing – it is so noticeable how breath is supportive through these situations. Every time when I am possessed by thoughts/feelings/emotions I can see later that I was not within and as breath, when I stop and breathe, everything calms down, slows down. I return here, I can see the situation more clearly within breath…

This situation all together made me see the how foolish it is to try to appear strong, because it actually puts me in a much more “problematic’ position – because if/when I am exposed, I then fall like a stack of cards. The fall is much greater from up there on a make belief cloud I had placed myself on, instead of speaking from here, where I am at, and then I cannot fall back to myself because I am here to begin with.

I see it much clearer now – when I separate myself from myself by acting strong or in any way that isn’t in fact my expression - any acting to be something that I am not, any form of acting as separation – I am creating a situation that falling is inevitable, because I am not in fact that which I present myself to be, there is always a gap within separation – and in that gap I then fall….

No separation – no gap to fall into 

thanks

21 days commitment – day 0

I have been feeling stuck – walking this process for 2 years and feeling stuck – walking around the same point, over and over...

So what is this point that I am not allowing myself to walk through? What is this point that I’m allowing to direct me instead of taking self responsibility and directing myself within breath in every moment, as life.

I am not applying myself – not applying self forgiveness – not using the tools I have been given by desteni, tools that cannot support me if I don’t use them – I will not change just by knowing about them – I must apply myself – not just talk about it but actually live it as myself.

I have a self belief that I am slow within my process, that I am missing a piece - for me to be effective, but it is this belief that is holding me back, nothing really is missing as I am here and I am all that I need - to self realize and correct myself – it’s all about me and here I am.

So why am I not starting – I have notice I have not made “the decision”, the decision to change and dedicate myself to life – but within this I have an idea as another belief - I have a belief that this dedication is something ‘big’ and ‘difficult’ that it will be a strain on myself and that I will have to give up on “my life” for it – when in fact I am giving up on my life when I am allowing myself to fear change, I am giving up on life when I am not allowing myself to face myself to actually see myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, to see who I am within self forgiveness – why am I not allowing myself to see/face me?

Because of fear, because of self judgment – as long as I judge myself for who I have allowed myself to be I cannot truly see myself – within self honesty I know I am not defined by that which I define myself as – I am not that which I judge – so within common sense: if it isn’t me in the first place why am I judging it as myself within feeling shame about it – as long as I feel shame I am indicating to myself that I am not self honest, that I am not allowing myself to let go the definition of myself as that which I am shameful about – but I know it isn’t me…

This is where self forgiveness comes in – a tool I have not yet applied as myself – a tool I know of, and have tried here and there, but never from the starting point of actually allowing myself to release the attachment I have to that which I am shameful towards and actually allow myself to let go for good – in order to stand as myself as life, within breath, and start living – allowing myself to live without shame – to live within acceptance, embracing myself within self forgiveness.

I am seeing more and more this is truly a process of self honesty and humbleness – to be willing to see myself for the first time – to allow myself to see all that I have been hiding from myself, projecting onto others, while judging them as ‘bad’, judging myself as ‘bad’… now I must face myself as the ‘bad’ that I am, allow myself to see me as the ‘bad’ I judge others to be. To, within humbleness, by realizing my innocence, forgive myself and direct myself to change.

I have been judging myself as less than myself, less than life. I have been comparing myself to other’s and feeling inferior, within this I have been accepting inferiority in all its’ shapes/colors/sizes… how can I judge another for “creating” inferiority as long as I am creating it within my own experience?

My ‘natural’ response is to go to self judgment – but what good would that do? Then I am just creating judgment and allowing all shapes/forms/sizes of judgment to exist – as I am allowing judgment within myself I am allowing judgment anywhere and everywhere else – I ask myself what world do I want to live in? a world of judgment/polarity/abuse, or a world of forgiveness/humbleness/support… the answer in easy – now I must live it for myself – I must be a living example of that which I want to see around me.

I am starting tomorrow a new day, a new moment. I have decided to stop living as the belief I cannot do it, stop believing I am too slow, stop believing I am not enough, and start focusing on actually applying myself until I change. I can teach myself to be more organized, I can teach myself to be more effective. To support me I have decided to commit for 21 days to not watch T.V. as I have been using and abusing T.V. – for 21 days I will go without T.V. so I am not  “addicted” to it, so I am not dependant on these long brakes that I have been taking, so I use my time more effectively and not “zone out” with the back chat that “OMG I need a break, I can’t do it anyway”… T.V has been for me an escape and an excuse, and as long as I use it as such I am abusing myself through it, self sabotage. So, 21 days no T.V.

And another point I have been neglecting is sleeping time, I have been staying in bed instead of taking a breath and starting my day, I have been over sleeping and not because I chose to, but rather because as I wake up I listen to this manipulative voice telling me to stay in bed for a few minutes longer, for no reason, even when I am reasonably refreshed…  so from tonight for 21 days I am committing myself to sleep 6 hours a day. For me the difficult times are when I don’t have any real concrete plans for the morning, when I do have things I have to do getting out of bed isn’t an issue, but this is showing me the point that I am not yet directing myself as life, I am directed by external activities and meetings with other’s that I “feel” like I cannot let down – these 21 days will be a commitment to myself not to let myself down, not because someone else is watching but because I am doing if from me.

All this so I have more time to actually move myself through this process, and apply myself effectively, to take better use of my time.  To not allow myself to use the excuse that I don’t have enough time to do things – I am supporting myself through creating more time for me to do the things needed to be done.

Ok, so tomorrow I start. 21 days. Go!!

reading and writing strategies as sef support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the resistance to use the tools as support instead of directing myself and applying them to allow myself to see for myself their worth and value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist using the tools and strategies as self support and thus have allowed myself to be directed by this resistance and not by self, as the directive principle of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become impatient when I think about implementing tools and strategies and have allowed myself to be directed by this impatience, not realizing the impatience is an indication for me to stop and see what I am resisting, as all resistance is of the mind and not of self.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to direct myself according to the feeling of impatience and not direct myself from the starting point of self

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reject applying these tools because I want to be special and within this I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that accepting these tools would be admitting that I am structured like everybody else

I forgive myself that I’ve’ accepted and allowed myself to reject applying these tools because I fear losing myself within the mechanics of the strategies, not realizing I have already lost myself within the mechanics of the mind, thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that as long as I am directed by and of the mind I am in fact mechanic, and not of life as self expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that strategies are supporting me through giving me a structure to which I can express myself more clearly, I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to define structure as “bad” thus separating myself from structure, instead of redefining the word ‘structure’ and aligning it with equality, and using it as a tool of self support for clarity and order

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to continue with ranting and raving, not realizing that this “game of association” is a game of the mind and I am not the directive principle when I continue writing only as an outflow of the mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear directing my writing through strategies because it would mean I have to take responsibility for the result, thus I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear being accountable for myself and my writing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to my old habits from fear of changing and losing myself, instead of realizing that I am not defined by my old habits thus will not lose myself by changing them and myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the writing habits that I have

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an associative writer, and not wanting to let go this definition of myself, instead of realizing that I am limiting myself to one form of expression instead of allowing myself to expand and equalize myself to all form and ways of writing and self expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the definition of being an associative writer and not allowing myself to expand and allow myself to use tools to support myself as my writing.

I realize the resistance to apply these strategies is based on fear of changing, based on the self definition I have allowed myself to see myself as. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear of change, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as what I believe myself to be, not allowing myself to expand as life

I realize the resistance to apply these strategies is based on wanting to be special and being able to do it my way, not admitting that we are all equal and thus can be supported by the same tools.

I realize my resistance is based on the belief that by using these tools/strategies I am admitting that I am weak and of need of assistance, not realizing that this is an ego based fear - wanting to be seen as capable and having everything come easy and naturally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that using tools/strategies defines me as weak, and I haven’t allowed myself to see the simple common sense in using tools for self support and assistance

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other writers that are “natural” based on the assumption they do not use these strategies, and I haven’t realized that some of them actually do use these strategies and that’s what makes them good writers.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that at the beginning applying these strategies might be difficult and uncomfortable but the more I practice the more the tool will become part of me and I will use it as needed, “naturally” as self support

to learn for yourself about the process of self forgiveness check out the desteni I process, at www.desteniiprocess.com

join the SRA training to learn about you, and see how and why you have created your experience the way it is. learn how you can change yourself to become the directive principle of yourself. start living for the first time, by birthing yourself as life from the physical

thanks