starting over with self forgiveness

i have an idea about self forgiveness, that it should feel a certain way, and do something to me - change me - as i participate with this idea i create stress and judgment towards my self-forgiveness statements - by doing so i have created a resistance towards applying self forgiveness and i haven't been pushing myself through this resistance - so, in the past 2 years i have been walking with desteni but not "getting into" self forgiveness - giving myself excuses from "i can change without it", "what's the point?", to "it's not working for me", "i don't know how to do it", "I'm not doing it right"... and so on... bottom line i have never allowed myself to actually take self responsibility within the statements of forgiveness that I've made, I've never allowed myself to stop the expectation that it will DO something to me - so i never really gave self forgiveness a chance - i never really gave myself a chance to actually support myself through giving myself the gift of forgiveness.

so, here's for starting over - clearing up the idea i have created about self forgiveness and about myself in regards to self forgiveness.
i am here to support myself and to free myself from the boundaries and limitations that i have allowed myself to exist as - as the mind.
so here goes...

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe an idea about self forgiveness instead of applying it and actually experiencing it for myself

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as an idea in my mind instead of being here as breath

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the idea about self forgiveness instead of directing myself as self support

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that self forgiveness is useless without really giving it a real chance, within that i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly believe the idea that self forgiveness is useless without giving myself a real chance.

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself from the perspective of not allowing myself to direct myself but to allow myself to be directed by thoughts and ideas that are not self supporting

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give more value to thoughts and ideas of limitation than thoughts and ideas of self support, within that i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate myself as limitation instead of accumulating myself as practical self support

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe self forgiveness will do something to me, not realizing the separation within such belief

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself form self forgiveness instead of realizing it to be a tool of self support done and directed by self

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want self forgiveness to be a magic trick so i wouldn't have to change/push myself through the patterns i have created myself as

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe any excuse i give myself to not push/support myself, within this i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as self sabotage not realizing that by allowing myself to participate within the principle of self sabotage i allow self sabotage to exist anywhere and everywhere

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe/expect self forgiveness will change me and within that not taking self responsibility for myself, within that i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the principle of abdicating self responsibility through the belief that something else will fix it for me - not realizing that by doing so i am allowing this principle to exist

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the principle of wanting something else to fix/do it for me, instead of realizing that by not correcting myself in alignment with the principle of self responsibility i am allowing this world to continue as it is with the abuse/blame/sabotage that exist within it through abdication of responsibility and expectation that others will change but not me.

i forgive myself that I've accepted ad allowed myself to believe i am not able to change because i am too weak/not good enough... i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe these ideas about myself , not realizing that they are mind manipulated excuses to keep me from standing and changing myself

i forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to believe myself to be special from the point of not being able to do it - i forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to desire being special and unique to the point that i would rather believe i have it hardest than giving up the idea of specialness and within that the belief that i am incapable.

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the feeling of being special through existing as self victimization, i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as self limitation to hold onto the feeling of specialness that i have created with it

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self victimize myself in order to get the energetic rush that i have connected to it, i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that i am accumulating as myself victimizing and limitation and actually abusing myself as i do so

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to dismiss myself as life by allowing myself to abuse myself as limitation and victimization

writing - part 2

I committed myself to writing every day, I am now home after a really long day, within which I took a 3 hour nap cause I couldn’t keep my eyes open… I’ve been struggling with jet lag since I got back from the united stated 2 weeks ago – it’s never been so severe, and every time when I feel like I’m getting over it, I can’t fall asleep till 7am and the jet lag just continues or starts all over.

So I’m writing now, even though I don’t want to and have nothing to write about… this is what I tell myself – “ I don’t want to and have nothing to write about”… I know this is just thoughts and ideas keeping me from standing as the decision to write everyday – it isn’t really so difficult when simply doing it – it become a struggle when on top of simply doing it – I cover it up with all the thoughts and beliefs that it is a challenge, like a big hill to climb.. I am making it bigger than it is, and creating the struggle for myself as I do so.

It is so easy to find excuses to not write, to not fulfill my commitment towards myself: “I’m too tired”, “I had a long day”, “I have nothing to say”, “who cares?”, “what’s one day?”, “it’s ok to skip one time”… and so on… and this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to excuses – it’s fascinating how I have convinced myself of being a non creative person yet when it comes to excuses for getting myself out of responsibilities – my creativity is endless… I also tell myself I am a crappy sales person, and not convincing at all – but when it comes to convincing myself to give up and slack off, to not take my commitments seriously – I am soooo good… lol… if I would only direct my creativity and persistency towards self support, there would be nothing that could stop me. I would be unstoppable…

So why do I allow myself to put all this effort in self sabotage instead of in self support – why am I making it more difficult for myself instead of slowly but surely, within consistency, by process of accumulation, making it easier?...

I have created myself as the patter of giving up for so many years, this is how I know myself to be, I’ve accumulated years upon years of convincing myself that there’s no point in putting 100% of myself into anything I do, I’ve basically convinced myself I’m a loser. I’ve been allowing myself to exist as a loser.

It’s fascinating to see that I have defined myself as a loser and then I use this self definition to justify not doing my best and not standing, and then in fact create myself as a loser. It’s an endless loop that starts with my acceptance and allowance and will stop only when I stop it – it won’t change unless I stop it.

It’s funny, a part of me wants first to prove to myself that I’m not a loser, that I am capable and successful and only then will I believe it, but I won’t just suddenly stop being a loser and then tell myself “oh, look at me, I was wrong, now I will stop believing it” - no, because I am the one creating this whole construct and it must be me, as self direction, that stop it - it won’t stop until I stop.

So, here I am making another small step in the process of standing, in the process of changing myself, in the process of stopping the pattern up – another day I have stood by my commitment towards myself, and pushed through the resistance, to write – and as always – from thinking I had nothing to write about to expressing myself for myself, allowing myself to see myself as self sabotage and from here I stop again. Until it is done.

Writing

 

I have this idea in my mind that I do not like to write, that I am not a good writer and that I don’t have anything to write about.

The cool thing about writing is that once you start the words come out and sentences are get built, I could never have known that this is what I would write, this wasn’t planed, I didn’t prepare myself, this is simply what is coming up now at the moment – writing is a cool opportunity to actually be here in the moment.

Breathing while writing is a great practice as well… it is a good opportunity to slow down and breathe, although I do find that when I go slow it’s in a way harder, I guess I’m just not use to it – I’m use to racing throughout my day, one thought follows another like speeding bullets, no time to stop, no time to breathe, no time to be here and express myself because the whole time I am chasing thoughts and incomplete ideas. Through slowing down I get a chance to stop the snowballing of thought and ideas… and to simply be here… I am not used to it, so it seems uncomfortable – but the uncomfortable-ness is based on another idea of believing I should write fast and that I should have a flow within my writing… 

I know it’ a process of accumulation, I cannot expect from myself to have writing abilities or feel comfortable within writing as someone that has accumulated practice and experience within writing. Like anything in life, the more I do it the more it becomes me, like walking and riding a bike, only after many uncomfortable attempts did it become a “second nature”. 

So I am faced with a problem, on the one hand I do not yet enjoy writing and judge myself, due to the judgment I create resistance towards writing and in turn I do not write thus do not accumulate anything besides the idea that I cannot do it… on the other hand I know that if I actually push myself to write and push to overcome the resistance through stopping the judgment time and time again, it will in time accumulate – I will feel more comfortable, it will be easier for me to stop the judgment and not be directed by the resistance and will be able to actually support myself through writing – as I know this is a tool of self support, a way to see myself to clear point up with myself, to allow myself to see what and who I am allowing within myself so I am in a position to stop and correct myself.

So here I am, supporting myself through writing, there are many points that come up within me that I do not give direction to, there is so much to write about – behind the resistance towards writing there is a bigger resistance towards actually opening up these points and taking responsibility for all and everything in my reality.

There have been times that I came home and really wanted to write about a specific experience that I lost control in, like got angry or upset or jealous… and as I start writing so many thoughts and excuses of why not to do it, why not to direct the point keep coming up – in most cases I fall to the excuses and stop what I wanted to write about… I see now how by doing so time and time again I have made it much harder for myself, through allowing myself to be directed by thoughts and excuses I have made them stronger and me weaker. 

It’s like there is always movement and a space for direction – like a driver’s seat – if I am not taking charge and directing myself, a space opens up and I am allowing the mind to take control and be the directive principle of myself instead of standing within me and driving myself back home…

The more I write the more I am taking back the driver’s seat, the more I am showing myself that I can be trusted to direct myself.

This took me about 40 minutes to write – so this is proof that I don’t need a lot of time in order to write myself to freedom, this has been another excuse to not start writing cause I might not have time to finish what I started. So this is living proof that it doesn’t take too long… cool

 I commit myself to writing every day, to address and direct at least one point that came up within my day, to not allow the excuses and resistance to direct me but to direct myself as self support through writing.

Here goes, day 1

thanks

one step at a time

this is something i must remember every day - one step at a time...

i have stopped shaving my head a few weeks ago and i can see the pattern of impatience come up- how will i look as it grows? how long will it take to grow? will i have the patience to see it through? or will i end up shaving it because having a shaved head is what i have become used to...

it's like i forget to stop and breathe, i forget to slow myself down, to return here within stability, i allow myself to go in my mind and go on and on about future projections, compromising myself here...

i've noticed this pattern of impatiens come up often, i have allowed it to become me, i have allowed myself to be equal to the pattern of impatiens.
i stop this now.

everything is a process in life, change takes time due to the space time reality we live in - that is simply how it is... so by realizing this i do not need to allow myself to go into the stress of impatience - it is simply unnecessary.

what i do is - i will check my hair a few times a day - i mean god danm woman - give it time... let it grow and do it's thing, being impatient and thinking about it doesn't make it grow any faster...

same goes with writing assignments i need to hand in for school, so i need to write this big assignment and i need to start somewhere - but i am so overwhelmed by having nothing to start with that i freak out - due to the state of panic and sense of incompetence of believing i am not able to ever finish it because i haven't yet started - i do not allow myself to start writing... and then more panic and so on and so forth... what a useless loop

so i breathe

breathing is my ancoure - i don't always remember to go back to breath as i am caught up in my abusive manipulative mind - but that too is a process - one step at a time. i will remind myself to breathe time and time again until it become me, until i become breath. as long as it takes.

this is all reflecting the process of accumulation - 1+1+1+1.....  it adds up slowly but surly, one step at a time....

writing a paper or writing a blog, is a process of typing in letter by letter, word by word, sentence by sentence into a complete consent. it builds as the writing goes along, it is created as i type it in. it has never been here before and is created by me, letter by letter, slowly but surly, as a process of accumulation, accumulation of my persistence to write, accumulation of letters on the screen, accumulation of stopping the mind, accumulation of allowing my hair to grow...
it all happens in a consistent pace as long as i am consistent and do not stop. i cannot fail if i never give up - as long as i keep on going nothing can stop me but me...

so here i am, reminding myself to go on, to trust the process of accumulation, to stop the mind time and time again, until i stand here as breath, as life.