disappointed at you or me?

i went with some of the children i work with to clean the beach today - it was a big project wth lots of other children from the area.
during the day these kids thought they should get paid for their work, and they were complaining constantly - all they wanted to do was to sit around - anything but actually clean the beach and participate in the activity.

i was very frustrated by their behavior, and though to myself how selfish they are, as an educational figure i felt like i should do something about it and i told them they are being spoiled and all they want is to enjoy the beach but don't want to do anything about keeping it clean, i told them i was disappointed that they are just sitting and complaining instead of getting up and doing something about the situation - at one point most of them got up and did some cleaning, they participated and i have a sense of success...
before the actual cleaning activity there were other activities to explain that damage of all the garbage we allow in our water sources - how it hurts the animals and such... so they had an idea why they should clean, and could see how they are responsible in their participation for some of the mess...

i am just about to get in bed, after a really long day and i have been contemplating on how i was disappointed at them for not wanting to clean, and about how i reacted to them, how i expressed myself and so on... and it just amazes me every time to see how clear the reflection is - how everything i reacted towards them is actually me showing myself to me - i am selfish for not pushing myself to change, to forgive and correct myself even though i know that i am responsible for my participation. i know people and animals are getting hurt by the current system and i am sitting around "not feeling like" doing much about it, bitching and complaining about how much work i have to do and how busy i am and how i cannot get to any of the things i want to, while wasting valuable time watching TV and speaking on the phone...
everything i see within them is a reflection of me, any reaction i have towards them is showing me where i am not accepting myself and thus where i must check out a point within me and align myself to be someone i can be proud of.

another point i see within this is that the best way to be an educational figure is to be a roll model - it all comes back to self, changing self, correcting self, creating a self that i actually want to be. until now i have used my knowledge with them, telling them who and how they should and shouldn't be - trying to know what to say and how to say it - to say it in a way that will influence them - i haven't been very affective, becasue i have been speaking knowledge and ideas, instead of speaking the living word as a living statement that i can actually stand by and as.

within being around children there is the gift of having a very clear mirror - today was another day showing me where i am still not standing within myself - it is so fullish to believe it's about "them", the kids in this case, or their parents for not educating them correctly, or society for destroying their young minds or .. or.. or... instead of actually taking the opportunity and looking within self, seeing where i am participating, where i am responsible - always taking it back to self

thanks

smoking and giving up

I never saw myself as a smoker, but I find it hard to stop smoking. I had an excuse of not being addicted so there is no need to stop, and "there is no harm in smoking a cigarette here and there" - but that's bullshit, if I'm not addicted than why do I experience desire for cigarette every time I see a friend pull a cigarette out – well, not always, but in specific scenarios – so there are some specific scenarios that within them I am addicted to cigarettes – points I am not self-directed but rather directed by a pattern/habit that I have accepted and allowed as myself.

I find that expressing myself with others around I say things like: "well I want to quite but what the hell, I'll just have one or today, or no big deal…" 

I now see this point from two perspectives: 1. I don't want to be seen too seriously, like it would look 'bad' if I was so strict with myself, like taking it lightly is being cool – when in fact it is the opposite, it is cool to stand as my word and stand as my decision to stop smoking, it's like I don't want them to feel bad and jealous so I do it for them.. lol…lol.. 2. The second reason is that I am use to defining myself as someone weak, and I am used to not standing one with my decision, and I "know" myself as someone that doesn't go all the way – with some of my friends I find myself speaking about trying to quite – I see now that I am supporting myself in not quitting by believing I am presenting an act to them , an act of me being weak, but in fact I am weak while not stopping, it isn't an act anymore..  

 to be clear – 1. Not taking it seriously looks cool to me and going all the way is seen by me as uptight, and 2. Not "rubbing" in their faces that I was able to quit, not allowing myself to stand to play along with the social game of accepted failure and mediocrity – by doing so I am supporting all of our limitations… supporting giving up.

This is fucked up self-abuse shit!!!

A specific memory is when I am sitting with a friend, that I used to smoke with, and now we are hanging out and the desire to smoke comes up – I ask if she has any weed – two options: yes or no, if no – I am disappointed, I experience a low in energy, like a small sadness, thoughts of wanting to get some, or what is the point of hanging out, "shit, I wanted to smoke", even thoughts of blaming my friends for not having any weed.

If the answer is yes, than I experience excitement followed by conflict/guilt – since I have "stopped" smoking what happens is, after I know there is weed an inner conflict comes up – so instead of standing as my decision to stop smoking, and to stop participation with the mind as the desire to smoke, instead of doing that I share with my friend that it is so hard to quite, and that "what is the harm if I just smoke today", "I have gone down with the amounts, what's the point of being drastic"… and so on… 

I realize that I am compromising myself by doing so, and not allowing myself to support my friends through setting an example of someone that made a decision and is sticking to it from a principle of not being directed by the mind as desires and habits, but rather self-direct as a stand for and as life

So, looking within self-honesty - I have been taking cigarettes here and there, and haven't stopped smoking weed as a statement of not going all the way, as a statement that it's OK to fuck up, a statement that it's OK to follow mind desires and be directed by habits /patterns / situations instead of directing myself here, as life, moving through and as situations within breath – not falling to patterns that control/direct me – how can I be trusted if I allow myself to be directed by thoughts/desires that I have no control over, thoughts and desires that have proven themselves to be destructive in nature – why do I allow myself to be directed by mind instead of standing and directing myself? What am I afraid of? Why won't I take self-responsibility? Why won't I stand? What am I waiting for? What is the purpose of believing that I cannot make it, that I am not strong enough to push through patterns / desires / resistances? What is the point of believing I am weak?

If I have to make a choice today and stand by it for the rest of my life – what would it be? Would I chose to support myself, and build self-trust so I can be the living directive principle of myself, to stop the limitations and fears I exist as and start living here within breath, as a living example that change is possible, as a living example of the principle of equality and oneness, as a living example of acting from the starting pint of what is best for all while stopping participation with the mind as self-interest.

OR

do I chose to give myself excuses, not take myself seriously, and believe I am incapable of changing, do I chose to support my desires/patterns/habits and within doing so state that everyone's desires/patterns/habits are legitimate – am I supporting the excuse that it is hard to transcend and change and therefore "cut me some slack", am I choosing to support everybody else's excuses and laziness?

I must realize that by not standing as the example of the principle of oneness and equality which I say I support - how can I state I support it, and how can I expect others to live as support to this principle if I am not living it myself and only expressing and showing them how hard/impossible it is.

I have been setting an example of excuses/justification/whining/not pushing/not standing/ not changing – how can I expect the world to ever change if I am not willing to change myself, if I am busy giving myself excuses over and over and over again?

I stop, I do not give up, I start over, I continue, I walk – until it is done. I walk until my mind is silent, until I trust myself to direct myself and never fall in the traps of the mind / thoughts / desires / excuses / beliefs / limitations / emotions / reactions…

I am here, I am breathing, I am breath – I cannot fail unless I fail myself

I have noticed lately more than ever how I lack self-forgiveness in my application, I have been avoiding the point of self-forgiveness time and time again, and I am doing everything but not changing – I realize I am not applying the most basic tool, I am not applying myself as self-forgiveness and thus not actually allowing myself to let go of the "old me" in order to create a "new me", a self-directive me.

I have been avoiding this tool for the past two years and it has been the only tool I am not allowing myself to apply fully and unconditionally – I see more and more how everybody is moving around me and I am stuck in place, time looping over and over – time to start. What the hell have I got to lose? lol…