"but I can't do it !!!"

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I am stressing over everything,

I must remind myself to breathe, return here, feel my hands, and return to the physical.

I am swamps with so much to do, and it is all here all the time, so I cannot start and finish one thing without neglecting something else that ‘needs’ to be done as well.

I am in charge of a project and I have people ‘under me’ that are doing the work, I am managing them, but I am finding out that “I am not a manager”, and do not feel comfortable with managing others, for a moment I tried to convince myself that I don’t believe in it because we are all equal, and no one should lead another… but that is just an excuse as self manipulation to not see that in fact I am being directed by fear, fear of leading, fear of falling, fear of standing, fear of directing myself and others.

Shit

So now that I see that I am giving myself excuses just so I stay limited as the self definition of myself as one that cannot lead and cannot be responsible… I have to walk through it and actually take charge and stop complaining that I don’t know how, because I am creating failure for this project and for myself by not pushing and moving it, I am accepting my self limitation by not pushing through, by believing I cannot, by accepting the fear.

It’s amazing how easy it is to give myself excuses by creating a set of beliefs and ideas such as not wanting to take part in being a leader, justifying the belief "I cannot" by stating to myself "I actually don’t want to"… what a manipulation…

What came up is that I feel like a hypocrite, for asking them and pushing them while not yet having the ability of pushing myself, but as I push them I am in fact pushing myself thus am not a hypocrite, until I do it I cannot tell another to do it, but as I tell another to do it I am in fact doing it myself… 

And when it comes down to the details, it’s never as bad as it is in my head, I can think about not wanting to do something and compound the thoughts and fears, and then when I simply do it, it is never like it was in my mind, it is simple and doable… 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fears

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in believing my fears are justified, so I don’t have to push myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify my fears because of the fear of changing and taking responsibility

I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to believe the self limitation of not being able to lead and support others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define leadership within a polarity of one pulling and the others being dragged, instead of redefining the definition to one that has an equal starting point

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe being a leader makes me more than others, instead of realizing that by leading others or supporting them in creating a project doesn’t make me more than them, we all simply have different parts of the team.

Till here no further

I stop self manipulation, I do not allow myself to manipulate me into believing my self limitation, I do not allow myself to manipulate myself to becoming stressful from fear of failure/judgment and by stressing I freeze and manifest the very failure I am trying to avoid

I stop, I breathe, I am here, I am one and equal to all and everything, I am one and equal to the people I work with, I am one and equal to the people I support as their leader.

As long as I allow myself to hide behind the self belief of self limitation I am allowing all self limitation to exist , all manipulation to exist, and all deception to exist.

i stop myself within self honesty, i forgive myself, i stand and i walk

Head shave story

Why did I shave my head?

Almost two years ago I started walking a process of self realization. Within this process I started seeing all my fears/thoughts/beliefs/feeling and emotions as what they really are – mind made delusions…

I started exploring myself within this new perspective, not believing I am my thoughts feelings and emotions, but rather I am ‘self’ that is allowing these thoughts/feeling/emotions to exist, I am accepting them as the directive principle of me instead of directing myself within breath, here, as life…

At first this new realization was based on an idea that made sense to me, within the principle of oneness and equality, within seeing the polarity and separation of the mind, but not yet as a living experience. I didn’t leave it at that, I started experimenting and exploring (writing these words, I see I have stopped experimenting lately and now can see the value and importance of it).

At one point a little over a year ago the “face off face world” campaign came out and the challenge was to shave your head as a stand for life, to stop the use of shampoo and conditioner and by doing so to affect the water supply and environment, to make a physical act. Slowly many people started vloging about shaving their heads…  I couldn’t help but think about it as well. I remember I started seeing everybody as baldies with wigs, everybody’s hair looked glued on, looked fake. Everybody seemed bald to me, it looked like the “natural” way to be. Like we were all bald under our hair and our hair was just a wig, and could easily be removed and our true self would be revealed.

At that time I had a very ‘meaningful’ relationship with my hair. I loved it. it was soft and nice and easy to handle, it was all that a girl could ask for. Years back I wanted to get dreadlocks but decided not to because I couldn’t bear the thought of having to shave my hair when I would want to get rid of them… I would go to the hair dresser every few months, and I loved her, she was great and I recommended all my friends to go to her as well… This ‘hair and I’ relationship thing has been going on for the past ten years… and I would talk about my hair cuts with people. My hair was a part of my life.

Then came this “dare to shave”, and I could see for the first time this attachment. I could see the absurdity that my not wanting to shave it, was based on a relationship I had going on with my hair… lol… I could see the simple common sense in shaving my hair, cause it will, for a fact, have a good impact on the environment: shorter showers, no chemicals, no packaging for chemicals. It was like going to the supermarket with a fabric bag to not use a plastic bag, but something that I couldn’t forget as I do the fabric bag.

After seeing the simple common sense I started seeing more and more valid reasons to do it, and not one real/valid reason not to. As I was building my decision to shave my hair I was talking about it with friends and everybody was against it, no one could understand why the hell would I do such a thing, “there are so many other ways to help the environment, why do this?”. Through these conversations I could see the attachment they all held for their hair and their physical appearance, I could see they didn’t want me to do it because they fear the implications for themselves. But I hadn’t yet seen the deep fear I was holding towards shaving… not yet…

I could see the self definition I had of myself in regards to my hair, and could now see the absurdity of it: I am not my hair, nor am I defined by it, it is demeaning to believe I am defined by the dead cells coming out of my head, it is ridicules to believe I am more or less me with or without hair.

I could see the equality within shaving my head. We define ourselves and others according to hair, we admire one person and look down to another according to how their hair looks, or their looks in general, I could see it as a point if separation, we are separating ourselves from each other through our hair, we separate men and women through our hair. And seriously – it’s hair, I mean – come on…

I hadn’t yet seen my fears because I was focusing on speaking to others convincing them that it makes sense to shave, actually convincing myself… I went on like this until my friend told me she is getting the clipper… A heat wave went through my body, and that’s when I experienced the fear that I was suppressing up to that point. I didn’t realize I was afraid of shaving my hair, I was so focused on rationalizing it to myself that I didn’t see yet that I was in fact holding fear towards this point, I didn’t want to do it, “what am I doing???”

One of my fears before shaving my hair was that I will not be feminine, and I could see the absurdity of believing being feminine is defined by my hair. I then realized that I was born a woman, I am a woman; I don’t need to do or be anything to prove it. Within realizing this, I realized I am actually free to express myself as I please and will remain a woman, there isn’t a way a woman really should be, and believing so is all based on culture and beliefs, not on reality… the idea of women having long hair is limiting and restricting, when it is, in fact, much more convenient to have a shaved head. Thus hair is a point of inequality between men and women, so shaving it is a point of equality, not just between men and women but all are equal. We are in fact equal, men and women. Why do women need to grow their hair to be themselves? Why do we need to separate ourselves through how we hold our hair?

When I saw the fears come over me and possess me within this heat wave, that’s when I knew I had to do it, now. I wanted to prove to myself I am the directive principle of me, I will not allow this random fear to decide what I do and what not, I could see the fear as a mind made illusion. I could see the difference between a real fear, when I am standing at the edge of a cliff and this voice is telling me to watch out because I might fall if I don’t pay attention – that fear makes sense, it is revealing common sense, it is valid in a way. But fearing shaving my head, fearing what I will look like, fearing losing myself, fearing not being feminine, fearing not being desired, fearing being looked at as strange or sick… all these fears were based in ego, based in the mind, based in a self definition limited to judgment and opinions – why do I allow myself to limit myself to people’s opinions? Why would I believe people’s judgments? Why do I allow myself to confine my experience to this small limited definition that is accepted by others instead of living as myself, instead of allowing myself to take off all the masks and be free of all personas to actually be me.

At that night I asked my friends to shave it off

It was a challenge for them to shave my hair, they had their own share of resistance, and at first they just made it short, they didn’t shave it clean. when I saw how long it was (about a centimeter) i asked them to finish the job and make it as short as possible, I wanted to see my head, I wanted to face myself without the cover up of my hair. Like being completely naked, I wanted to see me fully. It wasn’t short enough. So they made it shorter…

The experience of touching my head for the first time… my entire body was excited, I stroked my hand across my head and got shivers down my whole body, I never felt my head in such a way before, it was amazing, I was so happy. It felt great and I felt brave, I walked through my fears, I didn’t let my fears direct me, I stood up and directed this point. And till this day, every time I shave my head it is a physical living reminder of the process that I am walking, willing myself to walk, and pushing myself to walk. This process of facing myself without the masks that I am use to, facing myself naked as I am, facing myself within self honesty. This process of equality, a process of changing myself to be able to stop self interest and start living as what is best for all. because within common sense i know that what is best for all is best for me.

There is no real importance or value in shaving one’s hair, it isn’t a principle, but when you start seeing why you don’t want to shave your hair you will realize all these reasons are bullshit, they are all a lie, and you either accept yourself as the lie you believe yourself to be, or you stop, and start walking.

Related articles

• Desteni: Self-Support / Life-Support in Oneness and Equality
• Killed by my own Fear
• Day 138 - opinions, arguments and fear of conflict - realizations
• Day 111: Is Crying a Sign of Weakness?
• Day 282: How to Stay Focused when Studying Psychology
• Day 94 - Fear of Living for REAL - The Solution - Part 2

Am i a deceiver?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6UFZGpw9kU

just heard this vlog by Bernard Poolman, and reacted to it.


As i stated in my previous blog i am starting over.
but from what am i starting over from, have I been deceiving myself and others? am i the predator he is referring to in this vlog? am i a follower or able to be a leader? who decides who i am if not me?

I have the power to decide. so have i been deciding to be this weak/winy/lazy being? it never felt like a decision, it just felt like a fact, like my way to deal with reality, like my only option.

i have an assignment to write and have been believing the thoughts as backchat in my mind telling i am not able to do this assignment properly, i am incapable, not good enough... these thoughts would come up and actually interfere (interfere = enter fear) with my attempt to get the work done, these thoughts would distract me from actually doing that which i sat down to do. but i am the one who allowed these thoughts, and accepted them as myself, believed in them and thus made them into a reality. i have lived into reality the thought of me not being capable and have experienced it within my physical body as stress and anxiety, as a feeling of restlessness and irritation.

it doesn't feel like i am the one deciding to feel like a failure/incompetent/not worthy/less than... but who if not me is allowing these thought patterns to stay around and convince me of their so called truth?

this process of self realization isn't a one day decision and now i understand more the point of shaving my head. this process is an everyday decision, an everyday push and an everyday stand, it is not about deciding to walk it and then just talk about it, it is about actually walking, here, in the physical reality. shaving ones head is an actual physical act, some destonians shave their head everyday, i shave it about once a week. through this writing i see the value of shaving it every day, it is a physical act, like a physical reminder of ones decision, to walk today, to not give up, it is an act of self support. as writing is, as self forgiveness is.

so i've noticed i am not inclined of supporting myself, i have resistance towards all these acts of support. it is so absurd, that one won't support one's self, but here i am living as this absurdity.
why won't i give myself the gift of self support, why won't i unconditionally support myself, how can i expect myself to support anyone when i am not willing to support myself? how can i speak of equality when i am not equal within myself to allow myself to support me? how dare i speak words of equality and oneness, presenting myself as superior in front of those who do not see/live equality when i am not yet equal to myself? thus not yet know what equality is...

i have been deceiving everyone around me, speaking that which i am not yet living, and fighting for it, arguing about it, trying to feel better about myself through trying to destroy those who don't see my point, my point which i infact don't see yet either...lol... i deceive myself and them though creating a polarity around this point of argument, i am the "superior" for showing them the point, and they are "inferior" for not getting it... i have been creating and participating in this polarity as part of my "fight for equality"??? could i be more deceitful???

i start over, a fresh start, i do not hold this judgment any longer, i push myself to correct myself, i push myself to allow myself to give myself the gift of self support as self forgiveness.

when i heard the vlog, i reacted as being exposed, as being the predator he speaks of. so i decide to stop myself as this predator, stop myself as the deceiver, and push myself to write, to expose myself for myself, as self support. to allow myself within humbleness to see who i have allowed myself to be and become. only through allowing myself to face myself can i forgive, let go, and correct myself within the alignment of equality as what is best for all..

breath by breath, one breath at a time, here

thanks

starting over

i was introduced to this process almost 2 years ago by a friend.
i had started by watching the History Of Man series and then i moved on to the Design of Life series and the solutions. i was walking with a friend and she was very much into the material, she had let go of old beliefs and was very much "into" this new idea of desteni.
i, on the other hand, didn't fall head over heals... i saw the common sense in what i heard, i enjoyed the simple application, i appreciated the straight forwardness, but i didn't get into it, i didn't apply myself, i took it in as knowledge, supporting my point of view on and about the world. i didn't let anything go because my belief system was never a strong one, i never really held on to one belief, i always knew i don't have any real tools to understand reality, so i could believe anything and nothing at the same time.
but i was acting like i was very much into it, i started preaching to people about the value of self forgiveness, and about self honesty. i was very aggressive with my communication, trying to get people to see my point, trying to make them understand equality and oneness, wanting them to stop what they are doing and join me, so we can walk together.

i had a very strong sense of how everything else is bullshit, not completely, but just nothing else actually gives a full picture of reality, nothing else is so consistent whether it's 'Kabalah', or 'Buddhism', or 'Byron Katie', or meditation, or energy work, or religion, or 'Tantra', whatever it was that it always had gaps and holes, Inconsistencies...
with desteni it was different, they spoke of oneness in such a way i couldn't disagree with, and also i come from a physics background and within physics it is obvious we are all one, not separate at all. and they spoke of equality, and that made perfect sense. and since then everything i heard from desteni is with alignment to these two point, not once did i find a contradiction with these basic principles. and that's what i was looking for. Something consistent, that i could trust.

But i still didn't apply myself, i had major resistance towards self forgiveness, and writing. then the vloging point came along and i had some resistance there to, but could walk through it, and then i stopped, my excuse is that my camera isn't working... but i know within self honesty that if i wanted to vlog, i would get it fixed..

since i started this process i have had many ups and downs of how i apply myself, sometime i write for a few days and feel good about myself, then other times i don't write for weeks and fall deeper and deeper into self judgment and self pity, feeling i cannot push myself and so on..

i have realized how much power my mind has over me, the backchat of my mind is extensive and many time i just feel like i can't beat it, like it is much more powerful than myself.
i know i am the one giving it power as i participate with it, but i know it now, as i type, in real time i am powerless... forgetful of all that i learnt and know through this process and just feel and fall into powerlessness and giving up.

as i am writing this blog, i realize how affecting writing is, and i can understand more the value of writing self forgiveness and self corrective statement, because it is actually self support within mapping out all the bumps in the road and preparing myself to face them, writing to myself what to do, how to direct myself when i face the point of giving up for example.

so let me apply this now...
i forgive myself that i've accepted myself to fall into the pattern of giving up
i forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to believe the backchat of my mind as more powerful than myself
i forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to be directed and consumed by the backchat of my mind, instead of stopping it
when I see myself go into my mind within backchat, and start feeling self pity and powerless, I must stop and breathe.
I am here, I am not my mind, I am not backchat
I do not allow myself to be directed by the voice in my head
I stand up and jump, I feel/tough my body, I connect to myself as the physical, that is what is here, the physical is here to support me realize myself as one with and as the physical.
When I go into the mind, I stop, I return here, I breathe

i have made a decision to start over, i stop the judgment within expectation, i allow myself to be humble, i return to my innocence, there is no point to abuse myself within judgment and all that goes with it, as guilt and shame. i stop it all and push myself to walk, one with desteni, one with and as life.

there is a very dedicated group of individuals that are walking this process and i am determined to equalize myself to them, i am use to looking up to them, and comparing myself within criticism, but i realize all you guys are here as support, showing me the way i can walk if only i push myself.
thank you for being dedicated
thank you for sharing yourself and pushing yourselves
i am a few steps behind, i've always been a slow walker, but i am walking with, not allowing myself to give up, and will push myself to share more so i can be transparent with where i am within my process

anyone that is reading this and is not aware of the Desteni I process, i highly recommend you check it out.
as i've said there has never been anything like it before, you will face yourself as honestly as you are ready to, and you will walk as far and as fast as you can will and push yourself. it is all up to you, this is your individual process, but we are all walking together, creating a community of support.
Check it out:
http://www.desteniiprocess.com/

thank you
till next time

Maya

what does death have to do with money?

apparently the money system will not stop at anything, no cow is to holly to slaughter...

in israel there is a specific group of people that are in charge of all the death in the country, what does that mean? well, it means they make money whenever someone dies... so death is good for business. there is always a steady stream of clients coming in, and even better since in israel there is many more reasons to die from.

what troubles me within this is that even though they have financial stability because their business is death, they still mannage to over price their product of a proper burial..

i hear about the corruption and about how they present themselves as doing a devine act by berrying the dead, but they will only do it for money, and lots of it. and if you don't have money, they will find a 'demeaning" way to dispose of you. i just heard of someone that didn't have enogh money for a garve and they opened up her mom's grave and through her on top... i'm thinking to myself "but the mom did pay for a privet grave, so will she get a refund?"

my friend just told me that someone in her family had died out side of israel, and now they need to buy a plane ticket for a dead person, to bury them in israel.. but on top of that they are asking for 30,000 shekel, that's 8000$ to dig a whole and put a dead body in, maybe say a few prays and cover it with dirt... UNREAL...

personally i think burying people is a waste of good land that can be used as a nice park... but that isn't the point. that point is the money system that we are currently participating in. does it make any sense that we allow people to profit from others deaths? that death has become a business...

in an equal money system such acts will no longer exist. no one will profit from another's misery disease and death. no one will take advantage of someone in their time of grief and sorrow, to make just some more money... dead bodies will be taken care of for all equally (i would suggest returning back to nature as animal food...)

this was just another example out of many of how by participating within this current money system we are becoming numb for each other, and all we can see and care about is money.
stop the abuse with an equal money system
to learn more about it:
http://equalmoney.org/