two faces of self judgement

i'm finding out that there are two kinds of self judgement -

one comes from inferiority /not accepting myself / not embracing myself /defining myself according to an idea... in this case the judgment isn't really pointing at the subject at hand but rather at the starting point - why am i allowing myself to create an experience of self judgement within myself....

the other form of self judgement is me telling myself to get my act together, it is actually pointing to the subject at hand, it is me showing myself i can correct/align this point i am judging myself for, a point that my participation within it is unacceptable from the perspective of self honesty, and i must correct/change/stop my participation with this point

this is a point where self honesty comes in, to tell the two apart, even though both must be stopped, they each are showing me a different construct and will be "dealt with" differently.

within this i see how self judgement is actually a point of self support if i allow myself to take self responsibility and see what i am showing myself, and what corrections within my applications must be made.

thanks

smoking and giving up

I never saw myself as a smoker, but I find it hard to stop smoking. I had an excuse of not being addicted so there is no need to stop, and "there is no harm in smoking a cigarette here and there" - but that's bullshit, if I'm not addicted than why do I experience desire for cigarette every time I see a friend pull a cigarette out – well, not always, but in specific scenarios – so there are some specific scenarios that within them I am addicted to cigarettes – points I am not self-directed but rather directed by a pattern/habit that I have accepted and allowed as myself.

I find that expressing myself with others around I say things like: "well I want to quite but what the hell, I'll just have one or today, or no big deal…" 

I now see this point from two perspectives: 1. I don't want to be seen too seriously, like it would look 'bad' if I was so strict with myself, like taking it lightly is being cool – when in fact it is the opposite, it is cool to stand as my word and stand as my decision to stop smoking, it's like I don't want them to feel bad and jealous so I do it for them.. lol…lol.. 2. The second reason is that I am use to defining myself as someone weak, and I am used to not standing one with my decision, and I "know" myself as someone that doesn't go all the way – with some of my friends I find myself speaking about trying to quite – I see now that I am supporting myself in not quitting by believing I am presenting an act to them , an act of me being weak, but in fact I am weak while not stopping, it isn't an act anymore..  

 to be clear – 1. Not taking it seriously looks cool to me and going all the way is seen by me as uptight, and 2. Not "rubbing" in their faces that I was able to quit, not allowing myself to stand to play along with the social game of accepted failure and mediocrity – by doing so I am supporting all of our limitations… supporting giving up.

This is fucked up self-abuse shit!!!

A specific memory is when I am sitting with a friend, that I used to smoke with, and now we are hanging out and the desire to smoke comes up – I ask if she has any weed – two options: yes or no, if no – I am disappointed, I experience a low in energy, like a small sadness, thoughts of wanting to get some, or what is the point of hanging out, "shit, I wanted to smoke", even thoughts of blaming my friends for not having any weed.

If the answer is yes, than I experience excitement followed by conflict/guilt – since I have "stopped" smoking what happens is, after I know there is weed an inner conflict comes up – so instead of standing as my decision to stop smoking, and to stop participation with the mind as the desire to smoke, instead of doing that I share with my friend that it is so hard to quite, and that "what is the harm if I just smoke today", "I have gone down with the amounts, what's the point of being drastic"… and so on… 

I realize that I am compromising myself by doing so, and not allowing myself to support my friends through setting an example of someone that made a decision and is sticking to it from a principle of not being directed by the mind as desires and habits, but rather self-direct as a stand for and as life

So, looking within self-honesty - I have been taking cigarettes here and there, and haven't stopped smoking weed as a statement of not going all the way, as a statement that it's OK to fuck up, a statement that it's OK to follow mind desires and be directed by habits /patterns / situations instead of directing myself here, as life, moving through and as situations within breath – not falling to patterns that control/direct me – how can I be trusted if I allow myself to be directed by thoughts/desires that I have no control over, thoughts and desires that have proven themselves to be destructive in nature – why do I allow myself to be directed by mind instead of standing and directing myself? What am I afraid of? Why won't I take self-responsibility? Why won't I stand? What am I waiting for? What is the purpose of believing that I cannot make it, that I am not strong enough to push through patterns / desires / resistances? What is the point of believing I am weak?

If I have to make a choice today and stand by it for the rest of my life – what would it be? Would I chose to support myself, and build self-trust so I can be the living directive principle of myself, to stop the limitations and fears I exist as and start living here within breath, as a living example that change is possible, as a living example of the principle of equality and oneness, as a living example of acting from the starting pint of what is best for all while stopping participation with the mind as self-interest.

OR

do I chose to give myself excuses, not take myself seriously, and believe I am incapable of changing, do I chose to support my desires/patterns/habits and within doing so state that everyone's desires/patterns/habits are legitimate – am I supporting the excuse that it is hard to transcend and change and therefore "cut me some slack", am I choosing to support everybody else's excuses and laziness?

I must realize that by not standing as the example of the principle of oneness and equality which I say I support - how can I state I support it, and how can I expect others to live as support to this principle if I am not living it myself and only expressing and showing them how hard/impossible it is.

I have been setting an example of excuses/justification/whining/not pushing/not standing/ not changing – how can I expect the world to ever change if I am not willing to change myself, if I am busy giving myself excuses over and over and over again?

I stop, I do not give up, I start over, I continue, I walk – until it is done. I walk until my mind is silent, until I trust myself to direct myself and never fall in the traps of the mind / thoughts / desires / excuses / beliefs / limitations / emotions / reactions…

I am here, I am breathing, I am breath – I cannot fail unless I fail myself

I have noticed lately more than ever how I lack self-forgiveness in my application, I have been avoiding the point of self-forgiveness time and time again, and I am doing everything but not changing – I realize I am not applying the most basic tool, I am not applying myself as self-forgiveness and thus not actually allowing myself to let go of the "old me" in order to create a "new me", a self-directive me.

I have been avoiding this tool for the past two years and it has been the only tool I am not allowing myself to apply fully and unconditionally – I see more and more how everybody is moving around me and I am stuck in place, time looping over and over – time to start. What the hell have I got to lose? lol…  

starting over

i was introduced to this process almost 2 years ago by a friend.
i had started by watching the History Of Man series and then i moved on to the Design of Life series and the solutions. i was walking with a friend and she was very much into the material, she had let go of old beliefs and was very much "into" this new idea of desteni.
i, on the other hand, didn't fall head over heals... i saw the common sense in what i heard, i enjoyed the simple application, i appreciated the straight forwardness, but i didn't get into it, i didn't apply myself, i took it in as knowledge, supporting my point of view on and about the world. i didn't let anything go because my belief system was never a strong one, i never really held on to one belief, i always knew i don't have any real tools to understand reality, so i could believe anything and nothing at the same time.
but i was acting like i was very much into it, i started preaching to people about the value of self forgiveness, and about self honesty. i was very aggressive with my communication, trying to get people to see my point, trying to make them understand equality and oneness, wanting them to stop what they are doing and join me, so we can walk together.

i had a very strong sense of how everything else is bullshit, not completely, but just nothing else actually gives a full picture of reality, nothing else is so consistent whether it's 'Kabalah', or 'Buddhism', or 'Byron Katie', or meditation, or energy work, or religion, or 'Tantra', whatever it was that it always had gaps and holes, Inconsistencies...
with desteni it was different, they spoke of oneness in such a way i couldn't disagree with, and also i come from a physics background and within physics it is obvious we are all one, not separate at all. and they spoke of equality, and that made perfect sense. and since then everything i heard from desteni is with alignment to these two point, not once did i find a contradiction with these basic principles. and that's what i was looking for. Something consistent, that i could trust.

But i still didn't apply myself, i had major resistance towards self forgiveness, and writing. then the vloging point came along and i had some resistance there to, but could walk through it, and then i stopped, my excuse is that my camera isn't working... but i know within self honesty that if i wanted to vlog, i would get it fixed..

since i started this process i have had many ups and downs of how i apply myself, sometime i write for a few days and feel good about myself, then other times i don't write for weeks and fall deeper and deeper into self judgment and self pity, feeling i cannot push myself and so on..

i have realized how much power my mind has over me, the backchat of my mind is extensive and many time i just feel like i can't beat it, like it is much more powerful than myself.
i know i am the one giving it power as i participate with it, but i know it now, as i type, in real time i am powerless... forgetful of all that i learnt and know through this process and just feel and fall into powerlessness and giving up.

as i am writing this blog, i realize how affecting writing is, and i can understand more the value of writing self forgiveness and self corrective statement, because it is actually self support within mapping out all the bumps in the road and preparing myself to face them, writing to myself what to do, how to direct myself when i face the point of giving up for example.

so let me apply this now...
i forgive myself that i've accepted myself to fall into the pattern of giving up
i forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to believe the backchat of my mind as more powerful than myself
i forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to be directed and consumed by the backchat of my mind, instead of stopping it
when I see myself go into my mind within backchat, and start feeling self pity and powerless, I must stop and breathe.
I am here, I am not my mind, I am not backchat
I do not allow myself to be directed by the voice in my head
I stand up and jump, I feel/tough my body, I connect to myself as the physical, that is what is here, the physical is here to support me realize myself as one with and as the physical.
When I go into the mind, I stop, I return here, I breathe

i have made a decision to start over, i stop the judgment within expectation, i allow myself to be humble, i return to my innocence, there is no point to abuse myself within judgment and all that goes with it, as guilt and shame. i stop it all and push myself to walk, one with desteni, one with and as life.

there is a very dedicated group of individuals that are walking this process and i am determined to equalize myself to them, i am use to looking up to them, and comparing myself within criticism, but i realize all you guys are here as support, showing me the way i can walk if only i push myself.
thank you for being dedicated
thank you for sharing yourself and pushing yourselves
i am a few steps behind, i've always been a slow walker, but i am walking with, not allowing myself to give up, and will push myself to share more so i can be transparent with where i am within my process

anyone that is reading this and is not aware of the Desteni I process, i highly recommend you check it out.
as i've said there has never been anything like it before, you will face yourself as honestly as you are ready to, and you will walk as far and as fast as you can will and push yourself. it is all up to you, this is your individual process, but we are all walking together, creating a community of support.
Check it out:
http://www.desteniiprocess.com/

thank you
till next time

Maya