disappointed at you or me?

i went with some of the children i work with to clean the beach today - it was a big project wth lots of other children from the area.
during the day these kids thought they should get paid for their work, and they were complaining constantly - all they wanted to do was to sit around - anything but actually clean the beach and participate in the activity.

i was very frustrated by their behavior, and though to myself how selfish they are, as an educational figure i felt like i should do something about it and i told them they are being spoiled and all they want is to enjoy the beach but don't want to do anything about keeping it clean, i told them i was disappointed that they are just sitting and complaining instead of getting up and doing something about the situation - at one point most of them got up and did some cleaning, they participated and i have a sense of success...
before the actual cleaning activity there were other activities to explain that damage of all the garbage we allow in our water sources - how it hurts the animals and such... so they had an idea why they should clean, and could see how they are responsible in their participation for some of the mess...

i am just about to get in bed, after a really long day and i have been contemplating on how i was disappointed at them for not wanting to clean, and about how i reacted to them, how i expressed myself and so on... and it just amazes me every time to see how clear the reflection is - how everything i reacted towards them is actually me showing myself to me - i am selfish for not pushing myself to change, to forgive and correct myself even though i know that i am responsible for my participation. i know people and animals are getting hurt by the current system and i am sitting around "not feeling like" doing much about it, bitching and complaining about how much work i have to do and how busy i am and how i cannot get to any of the things i want to, while wasting valuable time watching TV and speaking on the phone...
everything i see within them is a reflection of me, any reaction i have towards them is showing me where i am not accepting myself and thus where i must check out a point within me and align myself to be someone i can be proud of.

another point i see within this is that the best way to be an educational figure is to be a roll model - it all comes back to self, changing self, correcting self, creating a self that i actually want to be. until now i have used my knowledge with them, telling them who and how they should and shouldn't be - trying to know what to say and how to say it - to say it in a way that will influence them - i haven't been very affective, becasue i have been speaking knowledge and ideas, instead of speaking the living word as a living statement that i can actually stand by and as.

within being around children there is the gift of having a very clear mirror - today was another day showing me where i am still not standing within myself - it is so fullish to believe it's about "them", the kids in this case, or their parents for not educating them correctly, or society for destroying their young minds or .. or.. or... instead of actually taking the opportunity and looking within self, seeing where i am participating, where i am responsible - always taking it back to self

thanks

smoking and giving up

I never saw myself as a smoker, but I find it hard to stop smoking. I had an excuse of not being addicted so there is no need to stop, and "there is no harm in smoking a cigarette here and there" - but that's bullshit, if I'm not addicted than why do I experience desire for cigarette every time I see a friend pull a cigarette out – well, not always, but in specific scenarios – so there are some specific scenarios that within them I am addicted to cigarettes – points I am not self-directed but rather directed by a pattern/habit that I have accepted and allowed as myself.

I find that expressing myself with others around I say things like: "well I want to quite but what the hell, I'll just have one or today, or no big deal…" 

I now see this point from two perspectives: 1. I don't want to be seen too seriously, like it would look 'bad' if I was so strict with myself, like taking it lightly is being cool – when in fact it is the opposite, it is cool to stand as my word and stand as my decision to stop smoking, it's like I don't want them to feel bad and jealous so I do it for them.. lol…lol.. 2. The second reason is that I am use to defining myself as someone weak, and I am used to not standing one with my decision, and I "know" myself as someone that doesn't go all the way – with some of my friends I find myself speaking about trying to quite – I see now that I am supporting myself in not quitting by believing I am presenting an act to them , an act of me being weak, but in fact I am weak while not stopping, it isn't an act anymore..  

 to be clear – 1. Not taking it seriously looks cool to me and going all the way is seen by me as uptight, and 2. Not "rubbing" in their faces that I was able to quit, not allowing myself to stand to play along with the social game of accepted failure and mediocrity – by doing so I am supporting all of our limitations… supporting giving up.

This is fucked up self-abuse shit!!!

A specific memory is when I am sitting with a friend, that I used to smoke with, and now we are hanging out and the desire to smoke comes up – I ask if she has any weed – two options: yes or no, if no – I am disappointed, I experience a low in energy, like a small sadness, thoughts of wanting to get some, or what is the point of hanging out, "shit, I wanted to smoke", even thoughts of blaming my friends for not having any weed.

If the answer is yes, than I experience excitement followed by conflict/guilt – since I have "stopped" smoking what happens is, after I know there is weed an inner conflict comes up – so instead of standing as my decision to stop smoking, and to stop participation with the mind as the desire to smoke, instead of doing that I share with my friend that it is so hard to quite, and that "what is the harm if I just smoke today", "I have gone down with the amounts, what's the point of being drastic"… and so on… 

I realize that I am compromising myself by doing so, and not allowing myself to support my friends through setting an example of someone that made a decision and is sticking to it from a principle of not being directed by the mind as desires and habits, but rather self-direct as a stand for and as life

So, looking within self-honesty - I have been taking cigarettes here and there, and haven't stopped smoking weed as a statement of not going all the way, as a statement that it's OK to fuck up, a statement that it's OK to follow mind desires and be directed by habits /patterns / situations instead of directing myself here, as life, moving through and as situations within breath – not falling to patterns that control/direct me – how can I be trusted if I allow myself to be directed by thoughts/desires that I have no control over, thoughts and desires that have proven themselves to be destructive in nature – why do I allow myself to be directed by mind instead of standing and directing myself? What am I afraid of? Why won't I take self-responsibility? Why won't I stand? What am I waiting for? What is the purpose of believing that I cannot make it, that I am not strong enough to push through patterns / desires / resistances? What is the point of believing I am weak?

If I have to make a choice today and stand by it for the rest of my life – what would it be? Would I chose to support myself, and build self-trust so I can be the living directive principle of myself, to stop the limitations and fears I exist as and start living here within breath, as a living example that change is possible, as a living example of the principle of equality and oneness, as a living example of acting from the starting pint of what is best for all while stopping participation with the mind as self-interest.

OR

do I chose to give myself excuses, not take myself seriously, and believe I am incapable of changing, do I chose to support my desires/patterns/habits and within doing so state that everyone's desires/patterns/habits are legitimate – am I supporting the excuse that it is hard to transcend and change and therefore "cut me some slack", am I choosing to support everybody else's excuses and laziness?

I must realize that by not standing as the example of the principle of oneness and equality which I say I support - how can I state I support it, and how can I expect others to live as support to this principle if I am not living it myself and only expressing and showing them how hard/impossible it is.

I have been setting an example of excuses/justification/whining/not pushing/not standing/ not changing – how can I expect the world to ever change if I am not willing to change myself, if I am busy giving myself excuses over and over and over again?

I stop, I do not give up, I start over, I continue, I walk – until it is done. I walk until my mind is silent, until I trust myself to direct myself and never fall in the traps of the mind / thoughts / desires / excuses / beliefs / limitations / emotions / reactions…

I am here, I am breathing, I am breath – I cannot fail unless I fail myself

I have noticed lately more than ever how I lack self-forgiveness in my application, I have been avoiding the point of self-forgiveness time and time again, and I am doing everything but not changing – I realize I am not applying the most basic tool, I am not applying myself as self-forgiveness and thus not actually allowing myself to let go of the "old me" in order to create a "new me", a self-directive me.

I have been avoiding this tool for the past two years and it has been the only tool I am not allowing myself to apply fully and unconditionally – I see more and more how everybody is moving around me and I am stuck in place, time looping over and over – time to start. What the hell have I got to lose? lol…  

Talking about a point before I have walked it

I had this experience today and what I saw is that people cannot support me unconditionally within this point - I have shared a point of how I am walking a process of equality, equalizing myself to myself and to all as myself, I expressed that I a working on stopping my thought feelings and emotions as the directive principle of myself, so I am working on not allowing myself to be directed by them. as I was sharing I mentioned that this is a process, and that in many occasions I still fall and find myself acting from within a reaction based in ego, fear, judgment…

The person I was sharing with, took this information and used it against me in the conversation. I kept telling him, “I am not yet done with this point”, I am sharing with him not from a perspective that this is done with, and he shouldn’t judge me and hold it against me, but he kept on “poking that point” and “rubbing it in my face” – he was saying things like “how can you say you are walking in the principle of equality when you are still feeling superiority/inferiority towards others?” “how can you state you are not your feelings and emotions and still act and react as them?” – his response to me “felt” sharp and aggressive, and I, that have presented myself as strong and stable, broke down…

We later talked about it and he shared that I sounded like a hypocrite to him, I am “preaching to oneness and equality, I am stating that one should do what is best for all and not react from one’s emotions/feeling, but in the same breath I admit to still doing it myself, if I haven’t walked it how can I share it to be possible, and how can I preach on the point. How can I say something is possible to achieve if I haven’t achieved/walked it myself???

He makes a good point.

How can I speak the information if I haven’t walked it myself – when I do so I am then speaking information and not lived-knowledge. I can understand now the resistance from him, I was sharing with him a belief, nothing I have proved to myself, why would he “eat it up” he was exercising critical thinking.

As we were discussing this point, another point opened up, this point was that I was not allowing myself to be valuable and I presented myself as strong/aggressive. This was interesting for me to see because in fact I was sharing a belief, not a lived realization, so I presented myself as more than myself, from fear of being seen as weak/vulnerable… he told me later that when he sees me acting out so strong he doesn’t “go easy on me” cause he thinks I can handle anything, and he shoots at me his strongest criticism..

This point of vulnerability comes up often for me; it is related to the point of fear of intimacy, these two points are joined at the fear of exposing myself within self honesty and then perhaps being “stepped on” with the shared information, having the information used against me…

The fear lay in the thought that if I share without the shield of protection, of acting strong and fearless, than I will get hurt, while in fact by deceiving myself and another by acting strong as a cover up, I am building the ground to hurt myself.

It was a fascinating conversation, because I did end up exposing my vulnerability, and actually thanked him for his response to me, because it allowed me to see the deception I was participating in while presenting myself as strong and stable to cover up the fact that I am speaking knowledge and information which until walked by me in the physical is nothing but a belief.

That point of gratitude was a point of application on my part. I, at one moment, stopped blaming him for attacking me and took self responsibility.

Another point I saw within this experience is breathing – it is so noticeable how breath is supportive through these situations. Every time when I am possessed by thoughts/feelings/emotions I can see later that I was not within and as breath, when I stop and breathe, everything calms down, slows down. I return here, I can see the situation more clearly within breath…

This situation all together made me see the how foolish it is to try to appear strong, because it actually puts me in a much more “problematic’ position – because if/when I am exposed, I then fall like a stack of cards. The fall is much greater from up there on a make belief cloud I had placed myself on, instead of speaking from here, where I am at, and then I cannot fall back to myself because I am here to begin with.

I see it much clearer now – when I separate myself from myself by acting strong or in any way that isn’t in fact my expression - any acting to be something that I am not, any form of acting as separation – I am creating a situation that falling is inevitable, because I am not in fact that which I present myself to be, there is always a gap within separation – and in that gap I then fall….

No separation – no gap to fall into 

thanks

21 days commitment – day 0

I have been feeling stuck – walking this process for 2 years and feeling stuck – walking around the same point, over and over...

So what is this point that I am not allowing myself to walk through? What is this point that I’m allowing to direct me instead of taking self responsibility and directing myself within breath in every moment, as life.

I am not applying myself – not applying self forgiveness – not using the tools I have been given by desteni, tools that cannot support me if I don’t use them – I will not change just by knowing about them – I must apply myself – not just talk about it but actually live it as myself.

I have a self belief that I am slow within my process, that I am missing a piece - for me to be effective, but it is this belief that is holding me back, nothing really is missing as I am here and I am all that I need - to self realize and correct myself – it’s all about me and here I am.

So why am I not starting – I have notice I have not made “the decision”, the decision to change and dedicate myself to life – but within this I have an idea as another belief - I have a belief that this dedication is something ‘big’ and ‘difficult’ that it will be a strain on myself and that I will have to give up on “my life” for it – when in fact I am giving up on my life when I am allowing myself to fear change, I am giving up on life when I am not allowing myself to face myself to actually see myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, to see who I am within self forgiveness – why am I not allowing myself to see/face me?

Because of fear, because of self judgment – as long as I judge myself for who I have allowed myself to be I cannot truly see myself – within self honesty I know I am not defined by that which I define myself as – I am not that which I judge – so within common sense: if it isn’t me in the first place why am I judging it as myself within feeling shame about it – as long as I feel shame I am indicating to myself that I am not self honest, that I am not allowing myself to let go the definition of myself as that which I am shameful about – but I know it isn’t me…

This is where self forgiveness comes in – a tool I have not yet applied as myself – a tool I know of, and have tried here and there, but never from the starting point of actually allowing myself to release the attachment I have to that which I am shameful towards and actually allow myself to let go for good – in order to stand as myself as life, within breath, and start living – allowing myself to live without shame – to live within acceptance, embracing myself within self forgiveness.

I am seeing more and more this is truly a process of self honesty and humbleness – to be willing to see myself for the first time – to allow myself to see all that I have been hiding from myself, projecting onto others, while judging them as ‘bad’, judging myself as ‘bad’… now I must face myself as the ‘bad’ that I am, allow myself to see me as the ‘bad’ I judge others to be. To, within humbleness, by realizing my innocence, forgive myself and direct myself to change.

I have been judging myself as less than myself, less than life. I have been comparing myself to other’s and feeling inferior, within this I have been accepting inferiority in all its’ shapes/colors/sizes… how can I judge another for “creating” inferiority as long as I am creating it within my own experience?

My ‘natural’ response is to go to self judgment – but what good would that do? Then I am just creating judgment and allowing all shapes/forms/sizes of judgment to exist – as I am allowing judgment within myself I am allowing judgment anywhere and everywhere else – I ask myself what world do I want to live in? a world of judgment/polarity/abuse, or a world of forgiveness/humbleness/support… the answer in easy – now I must live it for myself – I must be a living example of that which I want to see around me.

I am starting tomorrow a new day, a new moment. I have decided to stop living as the belief I cannot do it, stop believing I am too slow, stop believing I am not enough, and start focusing on actually applying myself until I change. I can teach myself to be more organized, I can teach myself to be more effective. To support me I have decided to commit for 21 days to not watch T.V. as I have been using and abusing T.V. – for 21 days I will go without T.V. so I am not  “addicted” to it, so I am not dependant on these long brakes that I have been taking, so I use my time more effectively and not “zone out” with the back chat that “OMG I need a break, I can’t do it anyway”… T.V has been for me an escape and an excuse, and as long as I use it as such I am abusing myself through it, self sabotage. So, 21 days no T.V.

And another point I have been neglecting is sleeping time, I have been staying in bed instead of taking a breath and starting my day, I have been over sleeping and not because I chose to, but rather because as I wake up I listen to this manipulative voice telling me to stay in bed for a few minutes longer, for no reason, even when I am reasonably refreshed…  so from tonight for 21 days I am committing myself to sleep 6 hours a day. For me the difficult times are when I don’t have any real concrete plans for the morning, when I do have things I have to do getting out of bed isn’t an issue, but this is showing me the point that I am not yet directing myself as life, I am directed by external activities and meetings with other’s that I “feel” like I cannot let down – these 21 days will be a commitment to myself not to let myself down, not because someone else is watching but because I am doing if from me.

All this so I have more time to actually move myself through this process, and apply myself effectively, to take better use of my time.  To not allow myself to use the excuse that I don’t have enough time to do things – I am supporting myself through creating more time for me to do the things needed to be done.

Ok, so tomorrow I start. 21 days. Go!!

reading and writing strategies as sef support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the resistance to use the tools as support instead of directing myself and applying them to allow myself to see for myself their worth and value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist using the tools and strategies as self support and thus have allowed myself to be directed by this resistance and not by self, as the directive principle of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become impatient when I think about implementing tools and strategies and have allowed myself to be directed by this impatience, not realizing the impatience is an indication for me to stop and see what I am resisting, as all resistance is of the mind and not of self.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to direct myself according to the feeling of impatience and not direct myself from the starting point of self

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reject applying these tools because I want to be special and within this I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that accepting these tools would be admitting that I am structured like everybody else

I forgive myself that I’ve’ accepted and allowed myself to reject applying these tools because I fear losing myself within the mechanics of the strategies, not realizing I have already lost myself within the mechanics of the mind, thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that as long as I am directed by and of the mind I am in fact mechanic, and not of life as self expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that strategies are supporting me through giving me a structure to which I can express myself more clearly, I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to define structure as “bad” thus separating myself from structure, instead of redefining the word ‘structure’ and aligning it with equality, and using it as a tool of self support for clarity and order

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to continue with ranting and raving, not realizing that this “game of association” is a game of the mind and I am not the directive principle when I continue writing only as an outflow of the mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear directing my writing through strategies because it would mean I have to take responsibility for the result, thus I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear being accountable for myself and my writing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to my old habits from fear of changing and losing myself, instead of realizing that I am not defined by my old habits thus will not lose myself by changing them and myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the writing habits that I have

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an associative writer, and not wanting to let go this definition of myself, instead of realizing that I am limiting myself to one form of expression instead of allowing myself to expand and equalize myself to all form and ways of writing and self expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the definition of being an associative writer and not allowing myself to expand and allow myself to use tools to support myself as my writing.

I realize the resistance to apply these strategies is based on fear of changing, based on the self definition I have allowed myself to see myself as. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear of change, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as what I believe myself to be, not allowing myself to expand as life

I realize the resistance to apply these strategies is based on wanting to be special and being able to do it my way, not admitting that we are all equal and thus can be supported by the same tools.

I realize my resistance is based on the belief that by using these tools/strategies I am admitting that I am weak and of need of assistance, not realizing that this is an ego based fear - wanting to be seen as capable and having everything come easy and naturally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that using tools/strategies defines me as weak, and I haven’t allowed myself to see the simple common sense in using tools for self support and assistance

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other writers that are “natural” based on the assumption they do not use these strategies, and I haven’t realized that some of them actually do use these strategies and that’s what makes them good writers.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that at the beginning applying these strategies might be difficult and uncomfortable but the more I practice the more the tool will become part of me and I will use it as needed, “naturally” as self support

to learn for yourself about the process of self forgiveness check out the desteni I process, at www.desteniiprocess.com

join the SRA training to learn about you, and see how and why you have created your experience the way it is. learn how you can change yourself to become the directive principle of yourself. start living for the first time, by birthing yourself as life from the physical

thanks

Attention disorder

I found myself working for 4 hours on a project for work; I was working on the computer until 6 am, just sitting there and typing.

It was very systematic work, I had to make some decision, but it wasn't a very deep job, mostly copying.

It suddenly hit me that I do not have an attention disorder, and cannot use this excuse any longer.

Up to this point I truly held on to the belief that I have a difficulty with sitting and doing work, I always get distracted and cannot sit still and complete an assignment.

Now I realize that I am capable, and all these distraction are resistances to what I am doing. Most of what I do when I encounter this resistance is when I am working on my mind construct, like I cannot sit for more than a few minutes.. I can push myself a bit but I end up just quitting… and justify myself with the belief that I simply have a problem, concentrating is hard for me…

And yes, it is hard, but it is hard through my doing, I have programmed myself through my application to believe I cannot focus for long periods of time, and have created this problem to myself.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe I have an attention disorder

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of sitting and doping work because of my attention disorder

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use as an excuse the belief that I have an attention disorder to not be able to do my assignments

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give up on sitting and doing my assignments because I believe I have an attention disorder

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the belief of having an attention disorder as a back door to not take self responsibility

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I am capable of sitting and applying myself when doing some things, which goes to prove I am capable

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that when I cannot sit and apply myself is a sign of resistance and I interrupt the resistance as an intention disorder

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot sit for long periods of time to study and do work instead of realizing that it is merely resistance of a particular point

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist doing my mind construct because I fear what I will find

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my self within self honesty because what if I cannot change

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the belief that there might be some parts of me that I cannot take self responsibility for

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself because if I don't see what needs to be corrected I don't need to work hard to correct it

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to associate process with "hard work" instead of realizing that it is just an idea, based on polarity of hard/easy

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit the process of self realization that I'm walking as a definition of a hard process in stead of allowing myself to walk myself as life

I lost the momentum – here again the belief that I lost it, like I had something and now it's gone, I cannot benefit from this writing any longer because I have "lost it"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to any distractions as if I cannot come back here, and judge myself for losing attention

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to breathe and return here if and when I allow myself to get distracted

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to breathe and forgive myself for allowing myself to get distracted instead o go in to judgment for "losing it"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that I need to be consistent within my work, not realizing that I am not allowing myself to become it as a process, step by step

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I "should" be able to work consistently without distractions and when I cannot stand as this idea I accept judgment as punishment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself as life and walk within humbleness as I learn to become more consistent as I walk.

I forgive myself than I have allowed myself to be hard on myself and within being hard on myself not allowing myself to grow and expand

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others walking this process and judge myself as inferior to them

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to assume others do not have distractions and difficulties and then compare myself to the one dimensional idea have of them

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see others as the one dimensional entity as a tool to provide me of the justification of self judgment

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the self judgment as justification of incapability, and thus create a loop

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create loop of judgment as self sabotage, as a back door to not allow myself to change.

Corrective statement:

When I become impatient within myself I stop and breathe,

I allow myself to return here, as one as breath

I stop the judgment and within breath I slow down and continue my work

I slow myself down, as breath

I realize I can only walk one breath at a time, one step at a time

I can change as a process, slowly but surly, as long as I breathe and continue to walk

I am here

hiking tip - walk in a stable, consistent, slow pace, within breath

How many time can i start over? As many as I need to, until it is done, until I stand unconditionally.
I have started thing process over and over many times, every time purifying my starting point, and correcting my application, pushing myself further
I have been walking for about 2 years now, but today I start again, it’s back to day one. Why am I starting over? I want to be clear within myself, that I have decided to dedicate myself to this process, I am dedicating myself to myself as life.
What does this dedication mean? Walking breath by breath, not allowing myself to fall into the traps of the mind, traps that I have programmed into and as myself and now am blind to see them, dedicated to revealing myself to myself, accepting myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so that from this acceptance and embracing of myself, I can change. Only through seeing who I am, I can stop being controlled by who I am, and start walking as the directive principle of myself as life, equal and one.
My agreement with myself is to breathe, to slow down, to write myself to freedom, and apply self forgiveness, to allow myself to realize myself without judgment.
I can use the self judgment as a red flag, to show me where I am still hiding from myself, where I am still not allowing myself to see myself as who I am. Believing in this judgment is why I fall, this is why I give up, I allow the self judgment to compound until it is too much, and it feel like I cannot do anything without the back chat of judgment in my mind putting me down…. I let go the judgment.
Slowing down within breath, realizing I can only walk one step at a time, one breath at a time, not getting caught up in the fears and worries of not being capable but rather simply do whatever it is until completed, always within breath.
I have noticed that much of what’s distracting me from doing what I intend to do, is thoughts of incompetence. So I am in my mind, listening to my back chat, instead of being here as breathe, and simply doing what needs to be done, within the pace of breath.
This reminds me a story, I went hiking with a friend in Nepal years ago, and I had a local man walk with me carrying my bag, me and my friend would walk up the hill and would get out of breath every few minutes. I just couldn’t continue, had to stop and rest. As we were resting the man with my bag came walking by in a consistent and stable slow pace, he passed us and kept on his way, in a stable consistent slow pace. he was never out of breath, and he never had to stop to rest, he was strolling this hike. My point is – to be consistent and SLOW DOWN!!!
I have been rushing and getting myself out of breath, and then I have to stop and rest, and it feels like I need to rush to get things done faster, but it just doesn’t work this way, if I do things slowly, within the pace of breath, that will be most efficient and most supportive, and will eliminate much of the self judgment that come up when I can’t walk anymore and need a break…