ניסיון לא מוצלח לשידוך ומכתב תגובה

דודה שלי רצתה להכיר לי בחור, היא נתנה לו את השם והמספר שלי ולמחת רשמה לי הודעת טקסט כדי שאני אצפה לשיחה ממנו. הוא לא התקשר, במקום זה הוא מצא אותי בפייסבוק ושלח לי הודעה לברר אם אני היא האחיינית של אותה דודה שמחפשת חתן לבת אחיה... וזאת אכן הייתי אני... אחרי שאישרתי לו שאני הבחורה, הוא "עשה עלי גוגל" ומצא את דסטיני, ונכנס לבדוק מה הולך שם כדי להכיר טוב יותר את הבחורה שאולי הוא יתקשר לצאת איתה...

הוא שלח לי מייל ארוך שמספר את כל זה, ושהוא לא חושב שאנחנו מתאימים... וכמובן שזה לא הספיק, הוא גם האריך ופירט. זה תפס אותי קצת לא מוכנה, עדיין לא לגמרי פשוט לי כשאני מקבלת ביקורת כלפי אורח החיים שלי והקבוצה/הקהילה שאני משתייכת אליה, אבל אני לומדת לאט לאט לא לקחת את זה באופן אישי.

את המכתב שהוא כתב אני לא אפרסם, אבל את התגובה שלי כן, והרי היא לפניכם...

לא הרסת לי את הערב, אתה לא הראשון ובטח לא האחרון שמביע את ההתנגדות הזו, זה ידוע ומוכר... ברור שפחות כיף לי לשמוע את ההנגדות אבל כבר למדתי דבר או שניים על התנגדויות ויודעת לא לקחת את זה אישי.. מבחינתי כל התנגדות שעולה מראה לי משהו על עצמי יותר מאשר על הדבר שאני מתנגדת לו, וכחלק מתהליך של חקירה עצמית אני לוקחת את ההתנגדויות כהזדמנות לחקירה והכרות עצמית – אז גם לך יש כאן הזדמנות... ומתוך הנסיון שלי - הרבה ממה שנחשפתי אליו בדסטיני העלה בי התנגדויות, ומאותו רגע הדבר החיצוני "איבד משמעות" ומה שנשאר זאת אני וההתנגדות שלי לעבוד איתה ולהבין על מה ולמה אני מאפשרת לעצמי להגיע לתחושות כאלו, לסגירות כזו, לשיפוטיות כזו וכו'...  וכאן אני מודה לכלים שרכשתי בדסטיני ולתמיכה חסרת התנאים שאני מקבלת מהם כקהילה. זה חוויה ממש מרעננת לקחת אחריות על כל עולמי ולהפסיק את משחק ההאשמה ובכל הזדמנות לבדוק איפה אני מקיימת את זה ואיפה אני יוצרת את זה...

אני לא יודעת איזה מאמרים קראת, ועל מה אתה מבסס את דעותיך ועמדותיך, זה תמיד מאוד מעניין לראות מה המפגש הראשון עם דסטיני עושה לאנשים, וזה הרבה תלוי בחומר הראשון שהם באים איתו במגע... אני למשל נתקלתי לראשונה בסדרה שנקראת "ההסטוריה של האנושות" וזה יצר אצלי המון התנגדויות – בגדול זה נראה כמו קשקוש מיותר... אבל המשכתי לשמוע כי רציתי לראות אם הם יגיעו לנקודה מעניינת, (כמו שקשה לצאת מסרט באמצע, כי אולי זה יהיה מעניין בהמשך...) ואז בשלב מסוים הבנתי על מה הם מדברים – והתחברו לי כל החלקים של הפאזל... תבין, אני מגיעה מרקע של "חיפוש רוחני" וכל מיני אנרגיות ותקשורים ואור ואהבה וקבלה וכל מיני כאלה – ובכולם מצאתי הצהרות יפות על פני השטח ותוך כדי חקירה מצאתי עוד ועוד סתירות פנימיות בסיסיות שיוצרות ממש אי התאמה בין התיאוריה לפרקטיקה – מה שהכי התחבר לי בדסטיני זה העקביות. הרעיון התיאוריה הגישה השיטה הפרקטיקה – לא מצאתי סתירות פנימיות – ותאמין לי שנכנסתי לזה עם הרבה סקפטיות ובחינה ביקורתית....

אתה אומר שעצוב לך לראות את ים המלח וכל הטבע שלנו נהרס, גם לי זה עושה עצוב, אבל היום אני מבינה שכל עוד אני לא חלק מהפתרון – אני חלק מהבעיה. ואני יודעת שאני אחראית במידה שווה למצב כמו "מחליטי ההחלטות" כי אני מאפשרת להם את המצע שעליו הם פועלים... אני ואתה וכולנו יחד...

אתה אומר שדסטיני תמימים – אני יודעת על עצמי שהייתי ממש תמימה עד שהתחלתי לפקוח עיניים, אם יש משהו שאי אפשר להגיד על דסטיני זה שהם תמימים, מה שכן, הם/אנחנו מודעים לכוח השינוי, אנחנו מאמינים בעצמינו שאנחנו מסוגלים לשנות את עצמינו ולכן גם את המציאות. זאת לא תמימות לפעול לטובת עצמי/עולם טוב יותר, זאת תמימות לחשוב שזה יהיה קל, אבל הפעולה לא נובעת מהתמימות אלא מערות למצב.

"טבע האדם" זה מושג שנועד לגרום לנו להאמין שאנחנו לא מסוגלים להשתנות – אפילו במדע עכשיו מגלים שאנחנו מסוגלים לשנות את הDNA שלנו בעקבות חוויות ונסיבות החיים, ולכן אם אנחנו רוצים לכוון את השינוי הזה כל שעלינו לעשות זה להצמד בעקרון מנחה, כמו שוויון, ולשנות את ההתנהגות שלנו כדי שעם הזמן (ואין ספק שזה יקח הרבה זמן) אנחנו לאט לאט נשתנה, הרי ברור לנו שמסע ארוך מתחיל תמיד בצעד אחד – אז כן, זה הולך להיות תהליך ארוך אבל אם אני רוצה להשאיר עולם טוב יותר לילדים שלי אני חייבת להתחיל... אחרת גם הם יקבלו את העולם כפי שהוא, עם ים המלח עוד יותר מצומצם וגם הם יגידו שאין סיכוי לשינוי ואין תקווה... אני לא יודעת אם אני אחיה לראות את השינוי, אבל זאת לא סיבה לא להתחיל....

ואני מסכימה איתך שטבע האדם הוא רע מאוד, לכן עלינו להפסיק להאמין שאנחנו שפוטים של טבע האדם ולהתחיל לקחת על עצמינו אחריות ולפעול מתוך עקרון של מה שמשרת את כולנו, מה שטוב ביותר לכולם – כשמסתכלים על זה מתמטית – הדבר הכי אנוכי זה לעשות את מה שטוב ביותר לכולם כי כולנו נרוויח מזה וגם אני...

אני גם מסכימה איתך שניסיונות החינוך נכשלו – עשיתי קורס ב"חינוך לשלום" וזה פשוט מדהים איך התחום הזה בכלל לא מנסה לשנות ולתקן את הבעיה מהשורש שלה, בכלל החינוך כפי שהוא היום הוא אחד המנגנונים שמקיימים ומשמרים את המצב הקיים – לכן צריך חינוך רדיקאלי אחר... אתה אומר שבני אדם שונים – נכון שיש לנו העדפות שונות, אבל אנחנו הרבה יותר דומים משונים - אנחנו כולנו מושפעים מהסביבה שלנו, אנחנו יוצרים לעצמינו סיפורים ותסריטים בראש, אנחנו מאמינים לסיפורים האלו וחיים לפיהם... אנחנו מאוד דומים... אני אוהבת להסתכל על זה כך שלכולנו אותו שלד עצמות, בסיס תבניות זהה, ולכל אחד תוכן התבניות, הסיפורים, הבשר - שונה ויחודי – אבל המשותף בינינו זה הנקודה שבה אנחנו יכולים לתמוך זה בזה. במקום להדגיש את השונה אנחנו מדגישים את הדומה ונעזרים על ידי כך, אנחנו נמנעים כך משפיטה מתוך ההבנה שכולנו עוברים את אותם דברים וזה מאפשר לנו להיפתח ולהיחשף... ישבזה המון תמיכה, זה כוחה של קהילה...

לתת לזמן לעשות את שלו זאת אימרה שמבוססת על האמונה שאתה לא מסוגלת לעשות כלום, ושכוחות חיצוניים ינהלו כאן את העניינים ויסדרו אותם – זאת הצהרה להסרת אחריות מוחלטת במקום לעשות ולשנות – וגנדי אמר את זה הרבה לפני דסטיני – "עליך להיות השינוי שאתה רוצה לראות בעולם" – לכן השינוי חייב להתחיל בי, לכן עלי להסכים לקחת אחריות ולראות את עצמי בכנות עצמית ולהסכים להשתנות – אנחנו לא יכולים להמשיך להיות אותו דבר ולצפות לשינוי... זה אבסורד וילדותי....

לגבי טהרותם של ראשי ארגונים – כן, אני מסכימה, גם אני פקחתי שבע עניים בכל פעם שהזכירו כסף... אבל זה מצחיק – אני עובדת עם נוער ולוקחת אותם להתרמה עוד כמה ימים למען האגודה למלחמה בסרטן והינה אינפורמציה שפרסמו ב"הארץ" " מירי זיו, מנכ"לית - 439 אלף שקל בשנת 2008 ממוצע חמש משכורות גבוהות: 313 אלף שקל בשנה " (http://www.haaretz.co.il/misc/1.1182476) אז אני מבינה לליבך והחשש והחשדנות במקום – ואנחנו יכולים לראות את השחיתות במקומות רבים סביבינו כמו הדוגמא הזו... אבל מצד שני, זה שאנשים מתפרנסים לא אומר שהם מושחתים, ובדסטיני אני יכולה להגיד לך שיותר ממחצית האנשים שרשומים לקורס שלנו הם על מלגה, זה אומר שהם לא משלמים – האחריות שלהם היא להשתתף באופן קונסיסטנטי [כי כל מי שנרשם לקורס מקבל (buddy) אז רוצים להבטיח שאם הם מקבלים תמיכה לפחות שיעשו את העבודה...] – אני הייתי בחווה שלהם בדרום אפריקה, הם לא "גוזרים קופון", הם מקיימים 15 אנשים שגרים איתם, הם מקיימים 13 סוסים, ועוד הרבה כלבים וחתולים ותרנגולים וברווזים..... ותוכים ואיגואנות וציפורים – חלק נכבד מהכסף הולך כדי לקיים את החיים שלהם – ואין מה לעשות כולנו צריכים להתקיים – אני מעריכה את זה שהם לא מבזבזים את הזמן שלהם עם לעבוד בעבודה סטנדרטית כדי להתפרנס כי זה היה משאיר להם מעט מאוד זמן לתמוך בקהילה שגדלה מיום ליום.... ככה הם מקדישים את עצמם למטרת חייהם ועושים עבודת קודש.... הם הפכו את היעוד שלהם למקור פרנסתם – זה החלום של כולנו, לא? זה לא עושה אותם מושחתים...

כל מערך התנדבותי/חינוכי/אמונתי/רוחני מרוויח כסף, אתה צודק שצריך וכדאי לבחון את המצב ולא לפזר כספים אבל שוב, אנחנו לצערינו חיים במציאות תחרותית והישרדותי, מי שאין לו כסף מת – ואף אחד לא רוצה למות, אז כולם צריכים כסף – זאת הבעיה בשיטה הכלכלית שלנו – היא מונעת מהישרדות והערך העליון הוא ערך הכסף במקום ערך החיים.... 

לגבי שיטת החינוך של דסטיני – אין דבר רחוק יותר מדיכוי, אני חווה את עצמי הרבה יותר חייה בשנתיים האחרונות מאשר אי פעם, ומצד שני כן, היצרים הטבעיים שלפני רגע הצהרתה אתה על הרוע הבסיסי שלהם, יש לנו טעם לבחון מחדש ולהפסיק להיות מונעים מהם כאילו היינו בובה על חוט או רובוט מתוכנת... עדיף היה אם היינו מסוגלים לכוון את עצמינו לפי ערך החיים, הלא כולנו חיים, למה שלא נחיה לפי עקרונות שתומכים בכולנו כחיים, למה שנחיה לפי עקרונות שמפלגים אותנו לאני והם, לטובים ורעים, לחזקים וחלשים, למה שנצדיק כל התנהגות שמבוססת על אי שוויון במקום להפסיק התנהגות כזו – גם אם היא מרגישה לנו כל כך טבעית?...

אני לא מכירה אותך ואין לי שום אינטרס, אבל אם כבר התחלת לקרוא ולהתעניין, אני מציעה לך לסמוך על עצמך, ולדעת שאנחנו לא יכולים להרע לך, לא מסוגלים להפנט ולשאוב אותך פנימה, ותחקור את התכנים המדוברים טיפה יותר לעומק, אל תיתן להתנגדות הטבעית שלך להחליט בשבילך... תרשום בצד את ההתנגדות ותמשיך לקרוא או לצפות באופן פתוח...  ועם אותה ביקורת והתנגדות תבדוק גורמים אחרים שלקחת כמובנים מאליהם.

מקווה שלא הרסתי לך את הערב J

מאיה

starting over with self forgiveness

i have an idea about self forgiveness, that it should feel a certain way, and do something to me - change me - as i participate with this idea i create stress and judgment towards my self-forgiveness statements - by doing so i have created a resistance towards applying self forgiveness and i haven't been pushing myself through this resistance - so, in the past 2 years i have been walking with desteni but not "getting into" self forgiveness - giving myself excuses from "i can change without it", "what's the point?", to "it's not working for me", "i don't know how to do it", "I'm not doing it right"... and so on... bottom line i have never allowed myself to actually take self responsibility within the statements of forgiveness that I've made, I've never allowed myself to stop the expectation that it will DO something to me - so i never really gave self forgiveness a chance - i never really gave myself a chance to actually support myself through giving myself the gift of forgiveness.

so, here's for starting over - clearing up the idea i have created about self forgiveness and about myself in regards to self forgiveness.
i am here to support myself and to free myself from the boundaries and limitations that i have allowed myself to exist as - as the mind.
so here goes...

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe an idea about self forgiveness instead of applying it and actually experiencing it for myself

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as an idea in my mind instead of being here as breath

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the idea about self forgiveness instead of directing myself as self support

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that self forgiveness is useless without really giving it a real chance, within that i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly believe the idea that self forgiveness is useless without giving myself a real chance.

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself from the perspective of not allowing myself to direct myself but to allow myself to be directed by thoughts and ideas that are not self supporting

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give more value to thoughts and ideas of limitation than thoughts and ideas of self support, within that i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate myself as limitation instead of accumulating myself as practical self support

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe self forgiveness will do something to me, not realizing the separation within such belief

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself form self forgiveness instead of realizing it to be a tool of self support done and directed by self

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want self forgiveness to be a magic trick so i wouldn't have to change/push myself through the patterns i have created myself as

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe any excuse i give myself to not push/support myself, within this i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as self sabotage not realizing that by allowing myself to participate within the principle of self sabotage i allow self sabotage to exist anywhere and everywhere

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe/expect self forgiveness will change me and within that not taking self responsibility for myself, within that i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the principle of abdicating self responsibility through the belief that something else will fix it for me - not realizing that by doing so i am allowing this principle to exist

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the principle of wanting something else to fix/do it for me, instead of realizing that by not correcting myself in alignment with the principle of self responsibility i am allowing this world to continue as it is with the abuse/blame/sabotage that exist within it through abdication of responsibility and expectation that others will change but not me.

i forgive myself that I've accepted ad allowed myself to believe i am not able to change because i am too weak/not good enough... i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe these ideas about myself , not realizing that they are mind manipulated excuses to keep me from standing and changing myself

i forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to believe myself to be special from the point of not being able to do it - i forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to desire being special and unique to the point that i would rather believe i have it hardest than giving up the idea of specialness and within that the belief that i am incapable.

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the feeling of being special through existing as self victimization, i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as self limitation to hold onto the feeling of specialness that i have created with it

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self victimize myself in order to get the energetic rush that i have connected to it, i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that i am accumulating as myself victimizing and limitation and actually abusing myself as i do so

i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to dismiss myself as life by allowing myself to abuse myself as limitation and victimization

writing - part 2

I committed myself to writing every day, I am now home after a really long day, within which I took a 3 hour nap cause I couldn’t keep my eyes open… I’ve been struggling with jet lag since I got back from the united stated 2 weeks ago – it’s never been so severe, and every time when I feel like I’m getting over it, I can’t fall asleep till 7am and the jet lag just continues or starts all over.

So I’m writing now, even though I don’t want to and have nothing to write about… this is what I tell myself – “ I don’t want to and have nothing to write about”… I know this is just thoughts and ideas keeping me from standing as the decision to write everyday – it isn’t really so difficult when simply doing it – it become a struggle when on top of simply doing it – I cover it up with all the thoughts and beliefs that it is a challenge, like a big hill to climb.. I am making it bigger than it is, and creating the struggle for myself as I do so.

It is so easy to find excuses to not write, to not fulfill my commitment towards myself: “I’m too tired”, “I had a long day”, “I have nothing to say”, “who cares?”, “what’s one day?”, “it’s ok to skip one time”… and so on… and this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to excuses – it’s fascinating how I have convinced myself of being a non creative person yet when it comes to excuses for getting myself out of responsibilities – my creativity is endless… I also tell myself I am a crappy sales person, and not convincing at all – but when it comes to convincing myself to give up and slack off, to not take my commitments seriously – I am soooo good… lol… if I would only direct my creativity and persistency towards self support, there would be nothing that could stop me. I would be unstoppable…

So why do I allow myself to put all this effort in self sabotage instead of in self support – why am I making it more difficult for myself instead of slowly but surely, within consistency, by process of accumulation, making it easier?...

I have created myself as the patter of giving up for so many years, this is how I know myself to be, I’ve accumulated years upon years of convincing myself that there’s no point in putting 100% of myself into anything I do, I’ve basically convinced myself I’m a loser. I’ve been allowing myself to exist as a loser.

It’s fascinating to see that I have defined myself as a loser and then I use this self definition to justify not doing my best and not standing, and then in fact create myself as a loser. It’s an endless loop that starts with my acceptance and allowance and will stop only when I stop it – it won’t change unless I stop it.

It’s funny, a part of me wants first to prove to myself that I’m not a loser, that I am capable and successful and only then will I believe it, but I won’t just suddenly stop being a loser and then tell myself “oh, look at me, I was wrong, now I will stop believing it” - no, because I am the one creating this whole construct and it must be me, as self direction, that stop it - it won’t stop until I stop.

So, here I am making another small step in the process of standing, in the process of changing myself, in the process of stopping the pattern up – another day I have stood by my commitment towards myself, and pushed through the resistance, to write – and as always – from thinking I had nothing to write about to expressing myself for myself, allowing myself to see myself as self sabotage and from here I stop again. Until it is done.

Writing

 

I have this idea in my mind that I do not like to write, that I am not a good writer and that I don’t have anything to write about.

The cool thing about writing is that once you start the words come out and sentences are get built, I could never have known that this is what I would write, this wasn’t planed, I didn’t prepare myself, this is simply what is coming up now at the moment – writing is a cool opportunity to actually be here in the moment.

Breathing while writing is a great practice as well… it is a good opportunity to slow down and breathe, although I do find that when I go slow it’s in a way harder, I guess I’m just not use to it – I’m use to racing throughout my day, one thought follows another like speeding bullets, no time to stop, no time to breathe, no time to be here and express myself because the whole time I am chasing thoughts and incomplete ideas. Through slowing down I get a chance to stop the snowballing of thought and ideas… and to simply be here… I am not used to it, so it seems uncomfortable – but the uncomfortable-ness is based on another idea of believing I should write fast and that I should have a flow within my writing… 

I know it’ a process of accumulation, I cannot expect from myself to have writing abilities or feel comfortable within writing as someone that has accumulated practice and experience within writing. Like anything in life, the more I do it the more it becomes me, like walking and riding a bike, only after many uncomfortable attempts did it become a “second nature”. 

So I am faced with a problem, on the one hand I do not yet enjoy writing and judge myself, due to the judgment I create resistance towards writing and in turn I do not write thus do not accumulate anything besides the idea that I cannot do it… on the other hand I know that if I actually push myself to write and push to overcome the resistance through stopping the judgment time and time again, it will in time accumulate – I will feel more comfortable, it will be easier for me to stop the judgment and not be directed by the resistance and will be able to actually support myself through writing – as I know this is a tool of self support, a way to see myself to clear point up with myself, to allow myself to see what and who I am allowing within myself so I am in a position to stop and correct myself.

So here I am, supporting myself through writing, there are many points that come up within me that I do not give direction to, there is so much to write about – behind the resistance towards writing there is a bigger resistance towards actually opening up these points and taking responsibility for all and everything in my reality.

There have been times that I came home and really wanted to write about a specific experience that I lost control in, like got angry or upset or jealous… and as I start writing so many thoughts and excuses of why not to do it, why not to direct the point keep coming up – in most cases I fall to the excuses and stop what I wanted to write about… I see now how by doing so time and time again I have made it much harder for myself, through allowing myself to be directed by thoughts and excuses I have made them stronger and me weaker. 

It’s like there is always movement and a space for direction – like a driver’s seat – if I am not taking charge and directing myself, a space opens up and I am allowing the mind to take control and be the directive principle of myself instead of standing within me and driving myself back home…

The more I write the more I am taking back the driver’s seat, the more I am showing myself that I can be trusted to direct myself.

This took me about 40 minutes to write – so this is proof that I don’t need a lot of time in order to write myself to freedom, this has been another excuse to not start writing cause I might not have time to finish what I started. So this is living proof that it doesn’t take too long… cool

 I commit myself to writing every day, to address and direct at least one point that came up within my day, to not allow the excuses and resistance to direct me but to direct myself as self support through writing.

Here goes, day 1

thanks

one step at a time

this is something i must remember every day - one step at a time...

i have stopped shaving my head a few weeks ago and i can see the pattern of impatience come up- how will i look as it grows? how long will it take to grow? will i have the patience to see it through? or will i end up shaving it because having a shaved head is what i have become used to...

it's like i forget to stop and breathe, i forget to slow myself down, to return here within stability, i allow myself to go in my mind and go on and on about future projections, compromising myself here...

i've noticed this pattern of impatiens come up often, i have allowed it to become me, i have allowed myself to be equal to the pattern of impatiens.
i stop this now.

everything is a process in life, change takes time due to the space time reality we live in - that is simply how it is... so by realizing this i do not need to allow myself to go into the stress of impatience - it is simply unnecessary.

what i do is - i will check my hair a few times a day - i mean god danm woman - give it time... let it grow and do it's thing, being impatient and thinking about it doesn't make it grow any faster...

same goes with writing assignments i need to hand in for school, so i need to write this big assignment and i need to start somewhere - but i am so overwhelmed by having nothing to start with that i freak out - due to the state of panic and sense of incompetence of believing i am not able to ever finish it because i haven't yet started - i do not allow myself to start writing... and then more panic and so on and so forth... what a useless loop

so i breathe

breathing is my ancoure - i don't always remember to go back to breath as i am caught up in my abusive manipulative mind - but that too is a process - one step at a time. i will remind myself to breathe time and time again until it become me, until i become breath. as long as it takes.

this is all reflecting the process of accumulation - 1+1+1+1.....  it adds up slowly but surly, one step at a time....

writing a paper or writing a blog, is a process of typing in letter by letter, word by word, sentence by sentence into a complete consent. it builds as the writing goes along, it is created as i type it in. it has never been here before and is created by me, letter by letter, slowly but surly, as a process of accumulation, accumulation of my persistence to write, accumulation of letters on the screen, accumulation of stopping the mind, accumulation of allowing my hair to grow...
it all happens in a consistent pace as long as i am consistent and do not stop. i cannot fail if i never give up - as long as i keep on going nothing can stop me but me...

so here i am, reminding myself to go on, to trust the process of accumulation, to stop the mind time and time again, until i stand here as breath, as life.

more on smoking

I have been in several situations where I was tempted to smoke but didn't, and actually the temptation was more of a memory, like I knew this is a situation where I use to want a cigarette, but it wasn't a nagging thought, I saw the thought/desire and I stopped it at that moment – so on the one hand I see the change and I am proud of myself for actually standing, this is very cool, on the other hand there is like a worry that I will be in a situation that I have not prepared myself for and will not stand. So what I can practically do about it is sit down and write about all situations I can come up with, as specific as I can be, and forgive myself as setting the way before me to not fall in these places.

One of the tempting situation thus far was having a conversation with a friend and it just felt like a "cigarette moment" – two gals having a heartfelt conversation and smoking, what I see within this is the picture presentation I have that I base this desire upon, like I have built an idea of it being appropriate/cool to smoke with a friend as we sit and talk

Another situation that I had to remind myself I am standing as my decision and not going to allow myself to be triggered into smoking, was at a gathering with some friends, and there was lots of weed around, and I just said no. it was really cool to stand as the point of quiting smoking and enjoying myself without any substance necessary. But thoughts of memory of how I used to not being able to say no came up – it was like I didn't recognize myself as someone that can say no to a smoke… it was quite cool.

There are specific friends that I will have to face this change within myself with them and I fear that being difficult, but as I am writing this I find it so ridiculous to fear our relationship will not stand this change..lol.. it's just me not smoking, no big deal… it feels like such a change to me that maybe my friends will get offended, but that doesn't make any sense, why would anyone get offended about me quitting smoking, and if they did it would just expose them as spiteful… looking at it now it is like a way to "test" relationships as to see who will stand the change of me and who will run… those that run – better sooner than later, and those that stay better I change sooner than later to set an example.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my friends for quitting smoking because
I have believe that our relationship is based on this common retuale we share

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that our relationship is based on me not changing, and within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear change within the excuse of fearing losing friends

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that friends that will not stand my changing are not supporting me as life but are using me to support their idea of me to help them define them. This is not friendship

I forgive myself that I've accepted ad allowed myself to desire smoking when talking with friends

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire smoking when offered to smoke

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed being asked to smoke to be a trigger point for the desire to smoke

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an idea within my mind that conversations are deeper with a cigarette

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect between the idea of a cigarette to the idea of being smart and insightful

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that people who smoke are smarter

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an image in my mind of intelligent people talking and smoking and I have define this image as a point of superiority

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look up to people that are sitting and smoking

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look up to people sitting and talking in a coffee shop,

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe they are so cool and carefree, they must have such interesting conversations

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less than those that talk and smoke and look so cool, and within that I have attempted to smoke to fit in to that image I look up to.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define smoking as cool

I forgive myself tat I've accepted and allowed myself to connect rolling cigarettes/joints to the idea of freedom

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with desire towards people rolling smokes

I forgive myself tha I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts that I'm missing out on something good when I pass an opportunity to smoke weed

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience the feeling of missing out when I do not follow the desire to smoke

Self forgiveness - smoking and giving up

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define a smoker as someone that smoke a certain amount of cigarettes and within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from smokers
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in separation through defining myself as a non-smoker
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define smokers as something bad that I must be separate from
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not a smoker because I see being a smoker as a bad thing
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing I am not a smoker
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel superior than smokers by defining myself as a non-smoker
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for smoking, and within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to draw a fiction line between me and smokers due to the amount of cigarettes we smoke instead of checking the starting point of why we smoke
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be triggered into smoking by specific pattern and scenarios and not as self-direction
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke as a reaction to a situation
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe it is hard to stop smoking
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I need a cigarette in specific scenarios
 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to actually stop smoking because of the belief that it's hard and I desire a smoke
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is hard to stop my desires, and specifically the desire to smoke
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts telling me that I should smoke "just this time"
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts on my mind telling me to that I was never a smoker and thus don't need to quit
 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the starting point of stopping smoking and thus have thought about it from a perspective of "right/wrong" and "should/shouldn't" instead of seeing it as stand of self, by stopping another point of participation with the mind, taking on one point at a time and committing myself to stopping that point as self-support in establishing self-trust

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into drawing a line between me and them as the smokers
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow the desire I have for a smoke instead of directing myself
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire a cigarette when I see someone else smoking and I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that as a mind desire and realize that it isn't real
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe my desires as being real and thus must be followed
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire a smoke when in a party
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to associate parties with smoking and thus when I am at a party I desire a smoke
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect drinking alcohol to smoking and thus when I am around drinking people I have a desire to smoke
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to "indulge" in smoking as compensation for not allowing myself to drink
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire a smoke when I see others smoke
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire a cigarette when I am feeling down/sad and use cigarettes as a form of self-abuse
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to smoke when I am sad as a way to create "directed judgment" and thus distract myself from the point I am dealing with
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when feeling sad/down to go in a loop of self-destructive behavior instead of standing one with myself and supporting myself to end the mind possession
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to when feeling sad/down to "forget"/put aside the principles I stand as and go into self-pity which is in fact self-abuse
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into self-judgment when I follow the desire of smoking
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire smoking now, as I am writing this
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire masturbating now as I am writing this
 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to stop writing in order to go to bed and touch myself
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from facing myself
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define cigarettes as bad from childhood and thus hold on to a definition based on my past experience
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hate cigarettes as a child cause my dad use to smoke and we were all against it
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my dad for lying to us when he wanted a smoke and found excuses to leave the house for it
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge smokers/addicts as pathetic for not being able to control themselves and their desires
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being directive enough and not being in control of all that I do
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect directiveness with control
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be directed by scenarios instead of remaining the directing principle of self constantly
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be directed by a pattern/habit and within those point 

I have not directed myself as self-expression here as life, but have been directed by the past as memory
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to present myself as cool in front of other by not taking myself seriously
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect being cool to not being serious
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to act like it's no big deal, in order to feel better about myself
 

I forgive myself tat I've accepted and allowed myself to present smoking / being directed by habits and "it's only human" and thus allowing giving up and not standing
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give up without really trying based on the belief that its hard and not worth the trouble
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to be rewarded for stopping smoking and thus actually doing it from a starting pint of separation
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire being rewarded from something/someone external from me – I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I require something external than me to validate myself
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to present myself as weak as to set an example of someone that isn't standing and thus not supporting myself nor my friends around me
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to present myself as weak and fucked up based on the idea that "we are all human" giving an OK to not pushing ourselves to perfection
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe "we are only human" and thus cannot be perfect – within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the limitation of what I know from my past and people around me as not pushing to perfection
 

I forgive myself that 've accepted and allowed myself to believe that "trying" is what matters an I haven't seen the open back door that statement creates within the allowance of not pushing through all the way – stopping mid-way due to "trying"
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe trying is enough and I haven't realized that it holds within it the concept of giving up
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself as weak/failing/not standing and thus I continue to create myself as such, instead of standing and braking the pattern I exist as in the past to create a new me
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self-responsibility and thus it's "easier" to accepted myself as failure than actually standing and pushing through
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within the belief that I cannot change myself into perfection, so why even try
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to stay within the limitation of the mind and not even really try, but rather "try" within the context of already giving up
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself into believing that I am giving up for the sake of my friends instead of facing myself as giving up
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my failure and not standing by social standards such as it's ok, it's hard, no big deal
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the social structure of giving up instead of standing as life within breathe and push myself to direct myself at all times, in every moment, within consistency
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the social belief that it is hard or even impossible to perfect myself and stop my addictions
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the social construct that being a little addicted isn't bad
 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously and create failure and giving up to 'support' not being serious, instead of stopping the definition of seriousness and focus on me, and standing within living action as the principle I speak of
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of disappointment when I expect my friends to have weed and they don't
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the desire for weed, and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that the desire was triggered by the situation and thus isn't of me
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowing myself to want to be with my friends from a self-interest of wanting to smoke with them
 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowing myself to use the time spent with my friends as entertainment, not seeing them for who they are but using them as distractions from facing myself