21 days commitment – day 0

I have been feeling stuck – walking this process for 2 years and feeling stuck – walking around the same point, over and over...

So what is this point that I am not allowing myself to walk through? What is this point that I’m allowing to direct me instead of taking self responsibility and directing myself within breath in every moment, as life.

I am not applying myself – not applying self forgiveness – not using the tools I have been given by desteni, tools that cannot support me if I don’t use them – I will not change just by knowing about them – I must apply myself – not just talk about it but actually live it as myself.

I have a self belief that I am slow within my process, that I am missing a piece - for me to be effective, but it is this belief that is holding me back, nothing really is missing as I am here and I am all that I need - to self realize and correct myself – it’s all about me and here I am.

So why am I not starting – I have notice I have not made “the decision”, the decision to change and dedicate myself to life – but within this I have an idea as another belief - I have a belief that this dedication is something ‘big’ and ‘difficult’ that it will be a strain on myself and that I will have to give up on “my life” for it – when in fact I am giving up on my life when I am allowing myself to fear change, I am giving up on life when I am not allowing myself to face myself to actually see myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, to see who I am within self forgiveness – why am I not allowing myself to see/face me?

Because of fear, because of self judgment – as long as I judge myself for who I have allowed myself to be I cannot truly see myself – within self honesty I know I am not defined by that which I define myself as – I am not that which I judge – so within common sense: if it isn’t me in the first place why am I judging it as myself within feeling shame about it – as long as I feel shame I am indicating to myself that I am not self honest, that I am not allowing myself to let go the definition of myself as that which I am shameful about – but I know it isn’t me…

This is where self forgiveness comes in – a tool I have not yet applied as myself – a tool I know of, and have tried here and there, but never from the starting point of actually allowing myself to release the attachment I have to that which I am shameful towards and actually allow myself to let go for good – in order to stand as myself as life, within breath, and start living – allowing myself to live without shame – to live within acceptance, embracing myself within self forgiveness.

I am seeing more and more this is truly a process of self honesty and humbleness – to be willing to see myself for the first time – to allow myself to see all that I have been hiding from myself, projecting onto others, while judging them as ‘bad’, judging myself as ‘bad’… now I must face myself as the ‘bad’ that I am, allow myself to see me as the ‘bad’ I judge others to be. To, within humbleness, by realizing my innocence, forgive myself and direct myself to change.

I have been judging myself as less than myself, less than life. I have been comparing myself to other’s and feeling inferior, within this I have been accepting inferiority in all its’ shapes/colors/sizes… how can I judge another for “creating” inferiority as long as I am creating it within my own experience?

My ‘natural’ response is to go to self judgment – but what good would that do? Then I am just creating judgment and allowing all shapes/forms/sizes of judgment to exist – as I am allowing judgment within myself I am allowing judgment anywhere and everywhere else – I ask myself what world do I want to live in? a world of judgment/polarity/abuse, or a world of forgiveness/humbleness/support… the answer in easy – now I must live it for myself – I must be a living example of that which I want to see around me.

I am starting tomorrow a new day, a new moment. I have decided to stop living as the belief I cannot do it, stop believing I am too slow, stop believing I am not enough, and start focusing on actually applying myself until I change. I can teach myself to be more organized, I can teach myself to be more effective. To support me I have decided to commit for 21 days to not watch T.V. as I have been using and abusing T.V. – for 21 days I will go without T.V. so I am not  “addicted” to it, so I am not dependant on these long brakes that I have been taking, so I use my time more effectively and not “zone out” with the back chat that “OMG I need a break, I can’t do it anyway”… T.V has been for me an escape and an excuse, and as long as I use it as such I am abusing myself through it, self sabotage. So, 21 days no T.V.

And another point I have been neglecting is sleeping time, I have been staying in bed instead of taking a breath and starting my day, I have been over sleeping and not because I chose to, but rather because as I wake up I listen to this manipulative voice telling me to stay in bed for a few minutes longer, for no reason, even when I am reasonably refreshed…  so from tonight for 21 days I am committing myself to sleep 6 hours a day. For me the difficult times are when I don’t have any real concrete plans for the morning, when I do have things I have to do getting out of bed isn’t an issue, but this is showing me the point that I am not yet directing myself as life, I am directed by external activities and meetings with other’s that I “feel” like I cannot let down – these 21 days will be a commitment to myself not to let myself down, not because someone else is watching but because I am doing if from me.

All this so I have more time to actually move myself through this process, and apply myself effectively, to take better use of my time.  To not allow myself to use the excuse that I don’t have enough time to do things – I am supporting myself through creating more time for me to do the things needed to be done.

Ok, so tomorrow I start. 21 days. Go!!

reading and writing strategies as sef support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the resistance to use the tools as support instead of directing myself and applying them to allow myself to see for myself their worth and value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist using the tools and strategies as self support and thus have allowed myself to be directed by this resistance and not by self, as the directive principle of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become impatient when I think about implementing tools and strategies and have allowed myself to be directed by this impatience, not realizing the impatience is an indication for me to stop and see what I am resisting, as all resistance is of the mind and not of self.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to direct myself according to the feeling of impatience and not direct myself from the starting point of self

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reject applying these tools because I want to be special and within this I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that accepting these tools would be admitting that I am structured like everybody else

I forgive myself that I’ve’ accepted and allowed myself to reject applying these tools because I fear losing myself within the mechanics of the strategies, not realizing I have already lost myself within the mechanics of the mind, thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that as long as I am directed by and of the mind I am in fact mechanic, and not of life as self expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that strategies are supporting me through giving me a structure to which I can express myself more clearly, I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to define structure as “bad” thus separating myself from structure, instead of redefining the word ‘structure’ and aligning it with equality, and using it as a tool of self support for clarity and order

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to continue with ranting and raving, not realizing that this “game of association” is a game of the mind and I am not the directive principle when I continue writing only as an outflow of the mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear directing my writing through strategies because it would mean I have to take responsibility for the result, thus I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear being accountable for myself and my writing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to my old habits from fear of changing and losing myself, instead of realizing that I am not defined by my old habits thus will not lose myself by changing them and myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the writing habits that I have

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an associative writer, and not wanting to let go this definition of myself, instead of realizing that I am limiting myself to one form of expression instead of allowing myself to expand and equalize myself to all form and ways of writing and self expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the definition of being an associative writer and not allowing myself to expand and allow myself to use tools to support myself as my writing.

I realize the resistance to apply these strategies is based on fear of changing, based on the self definition I have allowed myself to see myself as. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear of change, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as what I believe myself to be, not allowing myself to expand as life

I realize the resistance to apply these strategies is based on wanting to be special and being able to do it my way, not admitting that we are all equal and thus can be supported by the same tools.

I realize my resistance is based on the belief that by using these tools/strategies I am admitting that I am weak and of need of assistance, not realizing that this is an ego based fear - wanting to be seen as capable and having everything come easy and naturally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that using tools/strategies defines me as weak, and I haven’t allowed myself to see the simple common sense in using tools for self support and assistance

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other writers that are “natural” based on the assumption they do not use these strategies, and I haven’t realized that some of them actually do use these strategies and that’s what makes them good writers.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that at the beginning applying these strategies might be difficult and uncomfortable but the more I practice the more the tool will become part of me and I will use it as needed, “naturally” as self support

to learn for yourself about the process of self forgiveness check out the desteni I process, at www.desteniiprocess.com

join the SRA training to learn about you, and see how and why you have created your experience the way it is. learn how you can change yourself to become the directive principle of yourself. start living for the first time, by birthing yourself as life from the physical

thanks

Attention disorder

I found myself working for 4 hours on a project for work; I was working on the computer until 6 am, just sitting there and typing.

It was very systematic work, I had to make some decision, but it wasn't a very deep job, mostly copying.

It suddenly hit me that I do not have an attention disorder, and cannot use this excuse any longer.

Up to this point I truly held on to the belief that I have a difficulty with sitting and doing work, I always get distracted and cannot sit still and complete an assignment.

Now I realize that I am capable, and all these distraction are resistances to what I am doing. Most of what I do when I encounter this resistance is when I am working on my mind construct, like I cannot sit for more than a few minutes.. I can push myself a bit but I end up just quitting… and justify myself with the belief that I simply have a problem, concentrating is hard for me…

And yes, it is hard, but it is hard through my doing, I have programmed myself through my application to believe I cannot focus for long periods of time, and have created this problem to myself.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe I have an attention disorder

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of sitting and doping work because of my attention disorder

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use as an excuse the belief that I have an attention disorder to not be able to do my assignments

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give up on sitting and doing my assignments because I believe I have an attention disorder

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the belief of having an attention disorder as a back door to not take self responsibility

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I am capable of sitting and applying myself when doing some things, which goes to prove I am capable

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see that when I cannot sit and apply myself is a sign of resistance and I interrupt the resistance as an intention disorder

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot sit for long periods of time to study and do work instead of realizing that it is merely resistance of a particular point

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist doing my mind construct because I fear what I will find

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my self within self honesty because what if I cannot change

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the belief that there might be some parts of me that I cannot take self responsibility for

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself because if I don't see what needs to be corrected I don't need to work hard to correct it

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to associate process with "hard work" instead of realizing that it is just an idea, based on polarity of hard/easy

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit the process of self realization that I'm walking as a definition of a hard process in stead of allowing myself to walk myself as life

I lost the momentum – here again the belief that I lost it, like I had something and now it's gone, I cannot benefit from this writing any longer because I have "lost it"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to any distractions as if I cannot come back here, and judge myself for losing attention

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to breathe and return here if and when I allow myself to get distracted

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to breathe and forgive myself for allowing myself to get distracted instead o go in to judgment for "losing it"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that I need to be consistent within my work, not realizing that I am not allowing myself to become it as a process, step by step

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I "should" be able to work consistently without distractions and when I cannot stand as this idea I accept judgment as punishment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself as life and walk within humbleness as I learn to become more consistent as I walk.

I forgive myself than I have allowed myself to be hard on myself and within being hard on myself not allowing myself to grow and expand

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others walking this process and judge myself as inferior to them

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to assume others do not have distractions and difficulties and then compare myself to the one dimensional idea have of them

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see others as the one dimensional entity as a tool to provide me of the justification of self judgment

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the self judgment as justification of incapability, and thus create a loop

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create loop of judgment as self sabotage, as a back door to not allow myself to change.

Corrective statement:

When I become impatient within myself I stop and breathe,

I allow myself to return here, as one as breath

I stop the judgment and within breath I slow down and continue my work

I slow myself down, as breath

I realize I can only walk one breath at a time, one step at a time

I can change as a process, slowly but surly, as long as I breathe and continue to walk

I am here

hiking tip - walk in a stable, consistent, slow pace, within breath

How many time can i start over? As many as I need to, until it is done, until I stand unconditionally.
I have started thing process over and over many times, every time purifying my starting point, and correcting my application, pushing myself further
I have been walking for about 2 years now, but today I start again, it’s back to day one. Why am I starting over? I want to be clear within myself, that I have decided to dedicate myself to this process, I am dedicating myself to myself as life.
What does this dedication mean? Walking breath by breath, not allowing myself to fall into the traps of the mind, traps that I have programmed into and as myself and now am blind to see them, dedicated to revealing myself to myself, accepting myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so that from this acceptance and embracing of myself, I can change. Only through seeing who I am, I can stop being controlled by who I am, and start walking as the directive principle of myself as life, equal and one.
My agreement with myself is to breathe, to slow down, to write myself to freedom, and apply self forgiveness, to allow myself to realize myself without judgment.
I can use the self judgment as a red flag, to show me where I am still hiding from myself, where I am still not allowing myself to see myself as who I am. Believing in this judgment is why I fall, this is why I give up, I allow the self judgment to compound until it is too much, and it feel like I cannot do anything without the back chat of judgment in my mind putting me down…. I let go the judgment.
Slowing down within breath, realizing I can only walk one step at a time, one breath at a time, not getting caught up in the fears and worries of not being capable but rather simply do whatever it is until completed, always within breath.
I have noticed that much of what’s distracting me from doing what I intend to do, is thoughts of incompetence. So I am in my mind, listening to my back chat, instead of being here as breathe, and simply doing what needs to be done, within the pace of breath.
This reminds me a story, I went hiking with a friend in Nepal years ago, and I had a local man walk with me carrying my bag, me and my friend would walk up the hill and would get out of breath every few minutes. I just couldn’t continue, had to stop and rest. As we were resting the man with my bag came walking by in a consistent and stable slow pace, he passed us and kept on his way, in a stable consistent slow pace. he was never out of breath, and he never had to stop to rest, he was strolling this hike. My point is – to be consistent and SLOW DOWN!!!
I have been rushing and getting myself out of breath, and then I have to stop and rest, and it feels like I need to rush to get things done faster, but it just doesn’t work this way, if I do things slowly, within the pace of breath, that will be most efficient and most supportive, and will eliminate much of the self judgment that come up when I can’t walk anymore and need a break… 

She's everything that i'm not

When I start putting myself down, (as I tend to do when I am faced with a point I am not willing/pushing myself to walk), I end up going to comparison within inferiority, thus proving to myself I am not capable of doing that which I set myself out to do.

Basically the biggest point I am facing these days is a point of self will / self discipline, I am not pushing myself effectively nor  within consistency, I am spending more time stressing over what I need to get done rather than actually sitting down to do it.

I have been spending more energy on the thoughts and worries and self judgment for not being good enough than actually putting an effort in doing the assignment I set out to do.

I just noticed the train of thoughts. I was complaining in my mind how hard it is to do all that I need to do, and how far behind I am with my assignments, and so on… then a though about my friend came up, she is very affective (from my perspective) and I see her as a representation of that which I want to be. Now, within this process of equalizing myself to all as one and equal, I know I am able to equalize myself to her, as a pointer to where I am going, like a direction to push myself towards. But in actuality I am not equalizing myself to her, I am comparing and judging… The next thought that came across my mind was that she was affective and dedicated when I met her, before we started walking this process, so within the comparison in my mind I gave her a head start, by doing so I am allowing myself a back door, an excuse to not equalize myself to her. I see it as a self manipulation, trying to avoid the feeling of inferiority by rationalizing why it is easy for her to do what I am trying to do and am falling time after time.

I wanted to write that I see our starting point as different, meaning that we come from a different background / starting position, but as I was typing those words I couldn’t help but notice what I was actually writing…

It’s all about the starting point.

I cannot know what her starting point is, and it really isn’t the point, the point is what my starting point is. And whatever it is, it isn’t clear, isn’t self honest and isn’t aligned with the principle of equality and what is best for all. As long as my starting point is not aligned with equality, I will continue to accumulate abuse/polarity/inferiority, as a natural outflow of the starting point. Thus I must change my starting point, start over a new breath with a new starting point.

I see now how I have been looking for excuses and justifications to stay as I am, to hold onto the persona as I know myself to be, to not will myself to change.

I see myself spiting her, for having it easy, for being dedicated to begin with and not having to push through this point, but that is such bullshit - we are all walking our individual process and any comparison is just a mindful tactic to keep me trapped. I have created an entity within myself, an entity that is defined by laziness and disorganization, and I must stop myself from allowing myself to be directed by this entity… I mustn’t allow myself to believe this entity is me or defines me in any way, I must push through and keep pushing until no more pushing is needed, until I am equal to my words when I say “I am one vote for equality”, when I say “stop the mind”.

I have been doing a lot of talking and planning and anything but pushing myself to move and change in the physical. Not from a perspective of adding more judgment onto the picture, just from realizing that this process isn’t about talking about it and convincing people that equality is the way to go, and equal money will solve everything, it’s about being a living example, it’s about being the change and not speaking of the change, it’s about doing and not trying.

So here I am supporting myself through writing, seeing the manipulation I allow myself to do onto myself, seeing the spiteful mind I am allowing to direct me, I see it all now - so that I can stop. I am giving myself a pep talk, reminding me that I am not the mind. I am not the mind but I’m one with it as long as I allow myself to participate with it, as long as I allow myself to be directed by it, by the fears and judgments and self beliefs and comparison and spitefulness…

as long as I am participating with the mind as separation, how can I speak of oneness and equality, how can I preach to others… it all starts with self, focus on self

I have been bouncing from two sides of the polarity: feeling good about “showing people the light” by talking to them about equality and “supporting” them, but doing it from a starting point of self righteousness.  and on the other hand, looking at my application, I have been feeling inferior to everyone that I come across within the group of desteni.

So I am playing an energetic game going from high to low, from superior to inferior, from patting myself in my shoulder to kicking myself on the ass…

This must stop

Re aligning my starting point. equalizing myself to it, equalizing myself to myself.